Tuesday, June 26, 2012

"There is no education like adversity."-Benjamin Disraeli 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Spending too much, Saving too little

This post will address two things 1.Spending too much on stuff I don't need 2. Money as self esteem

When I first starting dating my boyfriend he was surprised about how many shoes I had. In the Fall of 2011 I had 63 pairs of shoes but in the Fall of 2010 I only had about 10 pairs. Five of those pairs were for work or sports. Many of these shoes were gifts but the rest I bought myself. The most expensive pair I have are a pair of $630 handmade boots from Spain. Luckily these were a gift but I have bought $300 shoes on sale for $120. That's so much money! I don't even know why I like shoes so much, and people gave me lots of shoes because they thought I liked shoes. I don't even try to impress anyone with my feet. It wasn't like I was hoarding or had any emotional attachment to them. I had a steady intake and outtake of shoes. (Yes, I do give away stuff to the Salvation Army if my donations are still in good shape.) It wasn't the fact that I had so much, it was the fact that I spent so much that was terrible. So why did I buy so much? The simple answer was because I could.

Looking back at the mental side of this, someone can wonder when I went shop crazy. I was born far from a silver spoon. Our house had card board to cover holes in the wall. We didn't even have clean running water or waste facilities that worked everyday. We lived in third world conditions in a first world country. Now fast forward to when I was 22 years old to when the problem began. I broke up with my long time boyfriend and had extra money with no one else to speak their opinion about my money. Therefore, without realizing it I would impulse buy here and there instead of thinking about what I bought. I had the money, I didn't get overdraft fees so why not? On the other hand, when I was younger I had to have much more restraint and save my money because good times don't always last. All my spending didn't exactly get me ahead in life other than those small moments of happiness. Luckily I stopped my bad impulse buy habit because my boyfriend pointed out that if I kept spending money instead of saving then I am keeping myself stagnant. The because I can attitude is no good because it digs me into a hole instead of saving for the bigger picture.

This new found understanding of why it is good to save money has also helped me understand why some people feel the need to base their self-esteem and value on their bank accounts. Other than the fact that money helps pay the bills and feed our bellies, money can bring you material pleasure and sycophants. When I go shopping in $300 dollar heels then I do get quite a bit more attention than I would in my dirty running sneakers. If I wear my diamond jewelry then waiters and bartenders tend to be extra nice. People just seem much more polite to you if have something to offer. Not only that, material things are not necessary always needed such as when I had over 50 pairs of shoes but it brought me a nice variety of choices and visual pleasure. However, it is extremely unhealthy to base your self value and self esteem on anything that can be here today and gone tomorrow.

Imagine not being able to buy the things you want such as a fancy car and seeing your neighbor with that fancy car. The neighbor may ask "Hey, why don't you just go out and buy one of these?" You will probably make up excuses on why you can't afford it even though you secretly want one, but the bottom line is that you can't afford it without disregarding priorities such as bills or your children.  Well eventually, say you came into a bit of money such as a promotion and now you can buy those things such as the car now. As you drive around in this fancy new car, heads turn and people are much nicer to you. This instant gratification and reward is just so easy to gain! Every reaction you want that you get is like an addiction. Keep on going and eventually you get into the millionaire's club. You technically don't need that much money but if you go any lower than one million then you will no longer have the status nor esteem of being in this prestigious club. You have a quite large variety of places to go, foods to eat, shoes to wear, size of diamonds and maybe some new plastic surgery at your fingertips. You have so much power to spend more. Now somehow you lose all that money and you just average once again. All those people who were impressed by you are no long giving you much attention, you don't have fancy things and worse of all your neighbor, the one who you were in competition with and felt was judging you, is asking you what happened.

The idea that life is about how others view you is a terrible misconception on the absolute concept of beauty. Life will never have an absolute concept of beauty because the idea of an absolute concept of beauty is a Utopian idea. Utopias do not exist. There are guidelines but no definitely color by numbers picture. It is the pressure of being judged without the ceiling existing in what good enough means while maintaining the idea of good enough that can drive someone over the edge. The edge is the line where you cross over from having self esteem and confidence in yourself to basing it upon your possessions and how others see you. A negative emotional state can lead to several mental health problems such as anxiety or depression. Not only that you could become very angry and irritated which can lead to taking your anger out on others such as loved ones who do not deserve it. Hurting others will alienate you further into a metal state of isolation and loneliness. Anxiety or depression does come with physical symptoms of a lack of energy as well as motivation. This can hurt you if you do not seek help. If your mood is based on money and it is not possible to duplicate the life style you once lived then you will have trouble recovering. Therefore, if you base your self esteem and self value on money then it may not promote your well being but rather actually degrade it.

"Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still."
-Chinese Proverb

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Happy Saturday!

Here are some cute animal pics from to start off the day with a smile
curious kitty 
Mufasa and Simba

Sloths love cuddles!

doggy beds

sleepy piggy

hunny bunnies

Friday, June 22, 2012

Role Models in people I don't want to become

Although I am not very old, I already have a sense of the type of person I don't want to be. I'm not saying that I was born with a wonderful personality nor am I currently anywhere near perfect. I just know how I don't want to make people feel. In a chance of twisted grace, I learned what type of person I don't want to be by people whom I don't ever want to emulate in action nor trait.

  1. Coming from a turbulent home I promised myself that I would never let hatred consume me. I never wanted to wake up in the morning with massive amounts of rage, releasing it onto those who did nothing to deserve this anger. I never wanted to get to this point, because it would mean I would have reached a point where I no longer felt empathy to another human being and I wouldn't be able to see others as equals. I would have become a predator to those who I see as lesser beings such as my children. If I woke up and my first impulse was to abuse and insult someone then my god, I must be very lonely. I would have to be lonely enough for no one to want to talk to me nor listen to what I have to say. The hatred consuming my soul would dig a hole with each negative action I carry out on another person.  
  2. I never want to be a sycophant, a person who feels the need to flatter to get what he or she wants. I won't say who in particular I observed this behavior from because it is a very common one. Being a sycophant means you are an artificial person with little regard or notice to true inner self esteem. A sycophant often suffers from addiction issues or leads to addiction issue, because he or she is not comfortable enough with their own self. He or she may be looking to get the next thrill or fix and the easiest way is by flattering others to get what he or she wants. This flattery is often artificial and insincere, which can be described as a "Two-Faced" person. This person may only want to be nice to those they can get something in return from, therefore they may develop conditional love for those around him or her. Conditional love is you basically only loving a person only if you are getting something in return. This can lead to getting abused in relationships or perhaps doing something outrageous for attention such as feeling the need to create a sex tape for self promotion.  Also this type of person may have trouble feeling loved because he or she feels the need to flatter in order to feel this emotion so when they have nothing to offer such as money then emotional problems will develop. 
  3. I never ever want to be a deadbeat parent! This isn't directed toward my parents but someone else that I know. A person who abandons a child for someone else to raise when he or she can perfectly be there themselves is a deadbeat. There are some situations where a parent lacks the ability to take care of a child such as if they are a teen parent and so on. However, a person who just totally ignores their child to go party and so on is extremely irresponsible. They are selfishly putting themselves in front of their own offspring who needs them. This is definitely a lack of priority as well as an inability to help another being other than themselves.
  4. Lastly, I never ever want to change myself for a man! This means I would have to not see myself as good enough for a particular person even though I am perfectly healthy the way I am. I never want to disregard my own personality or beliefs. This doesn't mean I am not going to seek help if I have a mental illness but to just disregard who I am without any help in order to please someone else.  This is probably the lowest form a female can reach because she is objectifying herself by changing instead of being who she is as a person. It also means that this person must have extremely low self esteem and is submissive thus putting him or herself in a situation where he or she can be negatively manipulative. 

What all these traits have in common is a very superficial level to them. The surface is stuck pleasing yourself or others around you, but underneath it all it is severely strained. To prevent myself from ever becoming these kind of people I needed to actively take a step back and observe the world around me. Much of the time if a person is walking on a seesaw into one of these directions, then that person may need to seek professional help to undo damage and seek a further understanding on why they act this way. There is no shame in seeking professional help, because there is no shame in being the best person you can possibly be inside and out. 

Nutrition (cont'd)

Nutrition is good for maintaining a healthy body as well as mind. Proper healthy nutrition can help you overcome depression by providing your body with energy. This energy may be the extra boost to help you get out of bed to accomplish small steps in your day.

If you are going to dramatically change your diet such as lose or gain weight then I suggest you seek a nutritionist to make sure that you are getting enough nutrients. Read about my advice for seeking a nutritionist.

Please watch the video above about the importance of intake of proper nutrients and how the body breaks down and repairs itself with the help of good nutrition.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Please watch this short film about a young man who hires a hitman to kill him, because he is feeling that he is at rock bottom. I've had moments in my life where I felt I hit rock bottom, but that doesn't mean I couldn't rebuild. The problem that many people feel when they rebuild their lives is that they want it to be exactly the way it was before they felt they hit rock bottom. Don't kill yourself even though it seems like the easiest solution. Remember for every negative thought, there is a positive one. Seek your all the options before you give up. 

So what does it mean to hit rock bottom? It is not when you are there. It is when you give up.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

I admire my father

No parent is completely perfect but my father should win an award for making an effort. He is hardworking, kind, intelligent, compassionate, patient and most importantly consistent. My family is very lucky that despite much of our bad luck events, he pulls through to hold it together.

Happy Father's Day!

role model

Don't say I'm a bad role model because I'm skinny. Say I'm a bad role model because I'm a bitch. 


The mind and sleep eventually intersect like two lines with the center being our ability to recharge. My insomnia makes those lines feel like they are parallel. The lack of sleep makes me more tired and my mind becomes more active escalating into the bizarre. Sometimes I didn't get enough rest because of lack of time but the worse is when I have insomnia. If I don't rest my daily activities feel like I'm asleep at a steering wheel. My body is a vehicle and when I speak it'll be a car accident of choices. I'm irritated, illogical and my eyes burn. When I am trying to fall asleep, it's like I can't turn my mind off from the anxiety caused by stressed. On the other hand, when I am awake my mind is completely shut off. Oh firetruck, it's morning. Will I make it through the day? And so it starts all over.

When the body does not sleep, it does not recover. The most I've gone without sleep was when I was nineteen years old in an out-patient rehabilitation program. I was being treated for pain killer addiction and my anxiety. I stayed awake for at least 48 hours because my mind wouldn't quit.

Here is what they taught me and although they seem simple and obvious, with routine it actually works. This is mainly for if you are recovering from an addiction or having a underlying chronic mental illness.

1. Maintain a regular sleep/wake schedule. Try to wake up at a certain time range EVERYDAY! Even if you sleep at a bad hour, just wake up at the same time. Your body will get trained to wake up automatically even if you have trouble getting to sleep. Then you will get tired throughout the day and help you sleep within a certain hour range.

2. Eat a healthy/balanced/appropriate diet. Your body's fluids and hormones are constantly flowing inside. Therefore drinking water and a lack of high animal-grease foods helps. Water is good to help your blood flow and basically help your cells clear out dead cell "poop," and it also helps your digestion which is good for clearing out groggy headaches. Water may be bleh but you can add various vitamin or tea powder to make it taste better. Many are sugar free and replace electrolytes if you sweat alot. Second, eating a balanced diet just helps you maintain health which can help against colds and headaches. Too much animal-grease foods that are fried can clog up your arteries and hurt the flow of blood circulation. You need blood to carry oxygen to your whole body. It'll also help your metabolism. Lastly, an appropriate diet means to eat appropriate foods at the appropriate times of day such as don't drink too much caffeine before bed.

3. Remove distractions. It helps to get one of those eye masks that cover your eyes to reduce light and help your body's hormones know it is sleep time. There are particular hormones that set in when it gets dark to help you go to sleep so they can recharge. Also if there is outside noise, just get earplugs to help reduce or eliminate the noise.

4. Relax before bed time. You could take a hot bath or shower. Spray a calm scent such as lavender all over your bed to help reduce stress. Do light stretching but do not do a heavy exercise. Heavy exercise will energize you by getting your heart rate up.

5. Do not look at a screen such as a computer or tv prior to sleep time. If you stare at a bight screen for hours and hours such as while playing a video game then your mind will be stimulated. That's not good if you are trying to sleep because also the bright lights will trick your hormones that tell you to sleep to not kick in. So at least turn it off a couple of hours before bed. If you do watch tv before bed, make sure it is not too mentally stimulating like an action film nor bright with explosions.

6. Drink tea with honey before bed and eat a banana. Bananas are often used to help seizure patients, because it is a muscle relaxer. It can however, commonly be used to help relax your body. Tea is great for calming down and is commonly used as a sleep aid, just make sure it doesn't have caffeine. And adding honey to it, will reduce alertness thanks to the small natural glucose in it which turns off neurotransmitters.

These are the tips I was taught but if you guys have any others I would LOVE to hear it. Please leave a comment in the comment box or email me at

Take Care

Friday, June 15, 2012

Animal testing for cosmetics is sadistic

To knowingly use a cosmetic that has been tested on an animal is sadistic. Animals such as cats, dogs, bunnies and mice are forced to endure painful burn tests on their eyes and skin as well as a lethal dosage test to determine how much of the product is needed to kill that animal. (Types of Animal Testing) It is not the same as eating an animal because the animal being tested is still alive while the animal being consumed is dead, thus not feeling the ongoing destruction of its flesh. However, tests like the lethal dosage test is not only inaccurate in comparison to humans but more importantly unnecessary in the modern world due to FDA regulation of ingredients as well as alternative tests. 

Testing cosmetics on animals is unnecessary and not required by law in the United States and Europe. One argument I've heard repeatedly is that it is no different than eating an animal such as a cow and that animal testing is needed to determine if harmful ingredients such as lead is in those products. Well, I don't know about you but I have never known anyone who has eaten an animal while it is still alive. Animal testing such as putting makeup remover into an animal's eye to test irritation doesn't occur while the animal is dead. According to the Anti-Animal Vivisection Society, the animal is alive for up to two weeks of testing from being tested on from once an hour to every 24 hours. Have you ever gotten soap in your eye while showering? It doesn't feel good, now imagine this pain for two week straights. This is obviously not the same as eating something already dead, because the dead don't feel pain. Secondly, animal testing is no longer needed to determine if harmful chemicals are even in cosmetics, because the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has a big no no list of chemicals that are toxic. Lead is no longer used in lipsticks just how it is no longer used in house paint. Formulations of cosmetics as well as ingredients are put under review by the FDA. Many countries such as China do not have regulation of these toxic chemicals, hence they do animal testing. If China did ban harsh chemicals such as lead and bleach and regulated ingredients such as the FDA then they wouldn't need to require by law animal testing. Thirdly, dogs and cats are different in size and digestion than humans. These tests to determine how much the animal shits until it dies is inaccurate because of the different genetics. For example, dogs can not eat chocolate because they can not process some of the same enzymes as humans, but humans can eat chocolate just fine. Also, animals are much smaller than humans so how much shampoo can a bunny be forced to drink before it dies of diarrhea. 

Companies that state they would not and do not test on animals unless required by law is hypocritical bullshit. At least two very well known companies have switched their moral standards from being cruelty-free to selling in countries that require animal testing under the guise of "education." 

Nice try, but you are still making profit. 

Take this email conversation for example I had with an Estee Lauder global representative. It states how the Estee Lauder companies are working on developing and educating to have animal testing eradicated but then it also states that they sell to those places. To increase their "investments" in order to afford educating other countries, they must sell to them first to make that money. I don't see how that really makes any sense, because it's like selling crack to crackheads to pay for their rehabilitation. I asked Estee Lauder to send me their quarterly statement profits since changing their animal testing stance to where required by law. I am still waiting for their reply which I will of course share once I receive it. Also in here, they clearly state what other methods are used instead of animal testing before they went CRUEL proving they are quite aware of other methods that aren't cruel. 

Now upon being educated that animal testing is torture and unnecessary, do you still think it is okay for another living creature to suffer for your vanity? Do you think your pet dog should die because you want pretty eyelashes? Why is your dog more important than the ones being tested on? Do you really think that looking pretty is worth it at the cost of someone else's beauty?

 There are still companies out there that do not test their products on animals and yet are non-toxic. These companies do not need to make billions off another creature's suffering for their products to be really good and effective. Take Boscia skincare for example, they do not test on animals nor use animal products and yet still get five star reviews and wins awards for being very effective. 

Overall, I hope my insight has helped you opened your eyes to what goes on out there in the cosmetic industry. For more information on what products are cruelty-free please visit My Beauty Bunny for a list of cruelty free products.

Thank you!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

TLC's response to my letter against rude anti-transgender remarks on Cake Boss

I wrote a letter to TLC's owners, the Discovery Network, in response to rude remarks aired on an episode of Cake Boss featuring Carmen Carrera on Monday. I basically asked them why they think it was okay and entertaining to air those anti-transgender remarks on a family network. I also showed copied and pasted by previous blog post about being born in a male body with a woman's mind. This is their response to my email:

Carmen Carrera, the transgender woman and a very deep rolemodel for the LGBT community was made fun of on the show. This is her response from this morning

"LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR! LISTEN UP PEOPLE! I signed on to do this episode of "Cake Boss" to promote EQUALITY. Transgender women are just as beautiful as biological woman and should be respected for that. The "reveal" was never meant to be a "Jerry Springer, 'THATS A MAN'..." kind of thing. I was promised that it wasn't going to be that way. I was lied to. I dont promote misleading someone or putting down the trans community. I am a beautiful transgendered woman and if a guy hits on me at a bar, ITS OK! That was the message. Hearing things like "You'll never be a real woman" or "I hope you burn in hell for changing your gender" or "You will always be a man" is the EXACT TYPE OF IGNORANCE THAT THIS SHOW HELPED TO PROMOTE. This is why Im so upset. If men find me attractive and treat me as lady, why do some of you people think its wrong??? Why are some of you trying to take that away from me like I dont deserve to be treated with respect and admiration? Ignorance, thats why. STOP THE HATE AND PASS THIS ON."-Carmen Carrera

Since her petition against Cake Boss' anti-transgender comments have reached over 8,000 signatures in less than 48 hours, TLC has removed that episode of Cake Boss and apologized to Carmen Carrera and the LGBT community.

TLC PULLS CAKE BOSS EPISODE <---that's the link

dating with chronic depression or anxiety

I haven't had many relationships in my life. I'm on my third relationship since I graduated high school. Honestly, the relationship I am in now is the healthiest one I've ever been in my life. My last two before that were the base of my "Born to Die" post. But don't ask me how to get a boyfriend or attract men, I have no clue! All the men I've dated pursued me while I just continued to be myself. I have made some mistakes in the past while dating and there are some things that they have done to turn me off.

The main mistake I can say from myself and the other person is using each other as a therapist or a verbal outlet for problems. My underlying mental illness is that I am terribly anxious and stressed out. I worry about paying the bills, work, my family's health and so on. I don't just worry a little bit, I worry so much that I get the physical symptoms of anxiety. It feels like I can't breathe sometimes or like my chest is tight. I feel like this almost everyday! I can not expect my partner to know what the right words to say or how to diffuse my situation. However, I must have a partner that is supportive of my need to seek treatment for any mental illness I may have or develop. It is also my responsibility to seek help from a mental health specialist, because it is clearly unfair for me to put the weight of my world on my partner's should, especially since I have extra weight. It is unfair, because I am putting extra pressure on my partner to make me feel better. It is also very unsafe for me to put the weight of my pain onto another person, because if that person leaves due to this weight then I will be alone and feel abandoned. I honestly have been in a situation where one of my boyfriends was so self-loathing and complained about everything he hated that I couldn't handle it, because he'd get mad if I didn't know what to say and I couldn't be as supportive as I could, because I just didn't know how. If you are suffering from such a deep rooted mental illness, then it is very hard to get rid of it by yourself without the clarity and help from mental health professionals.

Now let's take a step back to when you should tell someone about your underlying mental illness such as chronic depression or anxiety disorder. It is simply unnecessary to reveal on the first date that you have a mental illness, because it is revealing your faults too early. It's like whipping out your dick at the dinner table. The other person is not prepared to see this nor is ready. Yes, we all have faults but you can't just show everyone without warning. It is not just about the stigma of having a mental illness, it's about your partner getting to know you and being prepared. You have to date for a while with that person enough to find out if he or she respects you for you or only wants to be with you for something superficial like sex. You can't just put your heart out on a line. Do not even think about becoming financial co-dependent with a person until you know where you both are emotionally with each other. Your partner has to do casual stuff with you at first like go to the grocery store, study together or watch a movie on your couch without any makeup on. Don't make your big reveal a giant explosion of emotion and don't reveal your mental illness unless you do have a mental health professional to talk with later about it. Do not pour your whole heart out. Just reveal a little bit about how your mental illness effects your life and that it has happened before you met that person and it doesn't go away overnight. If this person is not supportive enough to allow you to seek help for your own well being, then LEAVE THAT PERSON ASAP. You can get more relationships, but staying in one where the other person isn't supportive of your health is only going to drag you down emotionally.

So what if you are dating someone who is also depressed? Well, if none of you are seeking help then you two will only feed off each other and dig a deeper hole. You both won't know how to deal with each other and your relationship may become based on your mental illness. If one of you becomes healthy, while the other isn't making the effort then it can only become painful and perhaps suicidal in breaking up. For example, when I was dating one of my then-boyfriends he and I used to just stay up all night and breathe smoke into each other's mouths to forget the world. Eventually, I grew out of this phase and I couldn't babysit his emotions because I didn't know what to say or do about his drug use. I loved him, but I couldn't put myself through his unhealthy behavior and I couldn't be the support he needed. We couldn't drastically change our personalities intentionally to please each other. If you feel you need to change who you are so much that you do a 180 then that's not healthy. You need to leave.

Overall, these are my thoughts about dating while suffering from an underlying mental illness. The short story is to find someone who caring and supportive of you but you can't treat them like they are a therapist. Reveal that you have the mental illness once you feel comfortable enough to do so after doing daily activities and you are comfortable with that person. However, it is unfair to be in a relationship if you are not seeking help, because it puts an unfair burden on your partner. I bet there is some better advice in the world out there, but these are just my thoughts from my experiences. Take Care!

Monday, June 11, 2012

born with male genitalia but a woman mind

It is extremely rude to call someone who identifies themselves as female and a woman, a man even though that person was born with male genitalia. An episode aired tonight on Cake Boss that was just so extremely ignorant that I can't believe that producers of the TLC thought it would be entertaining. I'm disgusted.

"Im so upset right now, I cant stop crying. My heart truly hurts. I need people to understand that I KNOW I was born male and not ashamed of it. I wouldn't of cared if they said I was born male or USED TO BE male. By calling me a 'MAN' promotes ignorance and makes it ok to call transgender women, men. PEOPLE GET BULLIED, BEAT UP, AND KILLED FOR BEING TRANS BECAUSE OF THIS IGNORANCE! There was a time it was like that for gay people, even for some ethnic groups. Its not ok to call a gay person a fag, its not ok to call a spanish person a spic, its not ok to call a black person a nigger. THIS IS THE SAME TYPE OF THING. I made it VERY clear to the producers on how to use the correct wording before agreeing to filming this but instead they chose to poke fun and be disrespectful. Thats not what Im about! Please voice your opinion." -Carmen Carrera 

Just because someone was born with male genitalia doesn't mean they identify with being a MAN. In my opinion, the word male means that the person was born with male genitalia or still has male genitalia even though that person wants a sex change. A MAN is someone who mentally identifies with social born-male characteristics. A person could be born with a mentally WOMAN brain but still has male-genitalia.

It is NOT okay to think it's funny to call someone who identifies themselves as a WOMAN, a MAN. I can't believe a network such as TLC thought it would be okay to even allow the entertainers on their shows to make such remarks. It is quite obvious to me that they do not even consider the struggle that many transgender people go through to just even express themselves. A person who has to go against their own birth in order to express themselves is extremely BRAVE. A person who is brave isn't a person with a lack of fear but a person who is afraid yet still continues to move forward despite their fear! To call someone a rude name stomps on their journey, their struggle and their identity. That's not okay. That's not funny. That's like saying "so what" on someone's life.

Carmen Carrera has opened doors for the LGBT community by continuing with her journey, expressing herself and her voice when there are still people out there who would kill her if they got a chance. She will always continue to inspire others. The fact alone that she is going out of her way to educate others and express herself while receiving such hateful words is incredible. It is so incredible that it deserves the top most respect.

Friday, June 8, 2012


Great News! I emailed Fresh (cosmetics & skincare) to ask if their products are tested on animals. They promptly emailed me back later in the day to tell me that they do not nor plan to in the future.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Drugs & Self-Mutilation

The mind and the body are supposed to be two entities intertwined. A person who already feels somewhat detached from reality or in deep emotional pain when clean and sober may still have that inner voice telling him or her to not hurt themselves. Now under the influence of a substance, that inner voice can get drowned out. A person can think they feel good while understand the influence because the brain is overflowing with endorphins and serotonin. These two hormones help the brain calm pain and experience pleasure. On the other hand, when that crash hits, the body is depleted of the hormones that keep us stable. Therefore, the pain and detachment is amplified. Sometimes deeply troubled people will cut themselves with razors or knives. It is a way to transfer emotional pain into a more solid tangible physical pain. And it can relieve the need to punish themselves. However, the one I am most familiar with is the need to feel alive. Physical pain is a way for the mind to come back to the body, especially in fleeting moments before going unconscious from the blood loss.

Depression is terrible and it is very real, however it is very common. It can be triggered by stress factors from an unhappy situation. It is not only mental but it is physical. The mental feelings are sadness, irritability, overwhelmed, withdrawn, hopelessness, lack of concentration, self-hate and negative thoughts. The physical feelings are fatigue, inability to sleep, appetite changes and so on. I felt extremely depressed earlier this year when one of my close friends died in an accident. It's not the first time I've felt depressed but death is something most can relate to so I'll talk about it. I felt like I couldn't breathe when I thought about him. It was like a void within me that was lost without him. I couldn't sleep because I was so sad. I didn't even want to wake up or get out of bed. I was in a loophole of my negative thoughts. I had no appetite neither or I binged it. It was unhealthy. Everything was moving too fast for me. The reality within my head became distorted with an overwhelming combination of heavy emotion.

Luckily, the responsibilities of my boys and the support from other friends brought me back to reality. I never considered cutting myself open to see my veins, the whiteness of my bones nor the flow of bright blood in order to feel like I'm alive or to feel real. I feel great empathy for the patients I have encountered who have done this to themselves. My first encounter with a patient who was under the influence of a substance, suffered detachment that came along with depression and cut himself open was a middle aged man. This one man who I'm very surprised survived took some sort of serrated  knife and dragged it down his arm. I could tell it wasn't a clean cut because it has showed hack marks like he was carving tough meat. He didn't mean to kill himself but he wanted to see the inside, well that's what he told us. I wouldn't have believed it until I saw it multiple times on others. In my opinion, the difference between a suicide attempt and wanting to feel real is that the person who wants to feel real will cut or hack until he or she sees bone.

A feeling I felt during my recent bout was shame. I didn't want to be judged for my withdrawn actions but the sorrow was so overwhelming. I kept my expression of how deep this depression of my friend's death to a minimum. I sought out more of my healthier coping mechanisms to clear my mind. However, I can't help but think of other people who feel the need to hide their depression on a daily basis. I think about my first encounter with that man who drank so much that his inner voice of self preservation was lost. He hacked until he could partially put his fingers into his arm to feel the bone. I think about how instead of suppressing his depression, he actually amplified the thoughts within his head. I think about those who need to drink or smoke in order to go to bed at night. All these people I've encountered, they are no different from the next person. They aren't insane or addicts. They just wanted to feel real and lose grip because of a substance snuffing their inner voice out.

I don't know how I can help others who suffer a detachment from reality due to depression. I just hope that whoever reads this learns from what I've seen and felt. I hope that they understand why doing drugs and drinking while depressed can help in some sense but I can see how it is extremely risky. I'm not saying all depressed people are this extreme but sometimes it can be. Don't look down upon people who are suffering from depression and if you are depressed please seek help. There are resources and people like me that care about you, even if you are a stranger. Don't let yourself hurt yourself. You are worth so much, even if you don't feel it. Lastly, please don't take the risk of doing drugs if you question reality.

More information & sources

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

"Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"
-Red Queen, Through the looking glass

Born to Die

I hate to admit this, but I understand why women like bad boys. Well, I can understand why I like them but most importantly I understand now why they are bad for me.  They are reckless, dangerous, scarred and dominant. However there is a reason why bad boys are considered bad boys.

Bad boys, it would be a lie if I said all bad boys are mean. They have a past like me and everyone else. In my opinion, they are more raw because they are just getting by with their situations.Why did I choose this one boy over all the other boys who wanted me? Simple answer other than they were attractive was that they weren't boring and I wasn't repulsed by them. We subconsciously fed into each other's emotional distraught and desires when we did reckless things. On the surface it was simply excitement. The physical and emotional violence from my mother left me on the edge and perhaps a short attention span. I ran away from  home when I was seventeen years young as many people already know. I was already doing reckless things to cope with the inability to sleep. So when I was with this one person I felt like he was an extension of me. I went on dates with other people who were simply boring. Boring as in stable, well mannered, slept at a certain hour, and definitely more fascinated by what I was than who I was. I detested those people because they kept thinking I needed some sort of redemption or forgiveness for wanting to stay moving and coping. I looked down up these men. I saw them like little pansies. How could I be with a person like that if I didn't care if I lived or died tomorrow? It was like the lines blurred to a point where no matter where I stood I was crossing a no man's land if I tried to live their lifestyle.

Bad boys aren't good for you if you want to be stable and live a long life. The truth is that love, excitement or infatuation can only take you so far. It's not good if you want a family. Bad boys got that way for a reason. Sometimes their actions such as drug use escalates until the point where you are caught in a crossfire of night and day. It's not good if you want to maintain a job, because you can't be on the spontaneous go. Overall, it's not a good lifestyle unless you are in that mindset, because when you grow out of it or need to be out of it like if you have children then you just become selfish. They are bad for me, because they make me selfish. They make me greedy by wanting them to stay that way for me, to prevent their growth. I don't want to be greedy and selfish.

I realized I had potential and responsibility, therefore I had to leave that lifestyle. I had to find new ways to cope. I had to redefine living but that doesn't mean I had to become something I despised. I had to find a new lifestyle that worked for me. I had to get help. I couldn't feed into my demons anymore.

However, that doesn't mean I still think about the what ifs, the excitement, the thrill and easing the pain.

Monday, June 4, 2012

I'm 23 now!

Hey Readers,

I know I said my next blog would be about dating bad boys but I'm finding it hard to write because it does reach deep within me to talk about my ex. However, I know that many of you may have been wondering what exactly I've been up to for my birthday week since I haven't been writing much. Sorry, I've been so drained!

I went on a little vacation to Santa Cruz. I ate many types of food. I spent quite a bit of time cuddling with my boyfriend, who is absolutely a sweetheart. He's camera shy. I spent time with my girl friends drinking and eating some fancy cheeses. I went shopping for new makeup and makeup brushes. I ate a fancy buffet birthday dinner with my parents and siblings. I spent a day having mommy and baby time with my boys. I spent time swimming and getting wet. I went out and got a new phone too. I also made a bunch of new friends! :)

Some goals for my 23rd year!

  • Transfer to a university
  • Find more ways to de-stress
  • Participate in my Buddhist temple more
  • Do more outreach for mental health and domestic violence services
  • detox off the amount of medication for anxiety I'm on
  • Learn to cook better
  • Read and write more
  • Try not to base my mood based on my bank account

I hope you all have a great week and I'll definitely be writing more soon!