I read each and every one of the emails you send to me despite being slow at responding. I overwhelmed with emotion to hear your stories and how my blog has touched your life. I can not thank you all enough. Many of you are going through pain or tough times but remember you must keep going, seek the resources available to you and don't give up. There are people who do care that you are struggling and maybe those around you in person are unable to notice but there are people willing to help see you through tough times. Continue to seek others like you and know that you are not alone. If you are feeling alone in the world, don't forget that you mean something to me in my life.
This is a repost from a status on my Google+ I've worked in two hospitals and on the field as an emergency medical technician. I was at the deathbeds of numerous people both young and old. Many confessed that they regret spending money instead of spending more time with loved ones. Please do not go out to shop on your holiday off if it requires time away from those you love and cherish. Spend time with those you love, because you never know when you'll never have that opportunity again.
A computer is a mask which can be a voice for positive or negative opinion. Sadly, many people choose to voice negative opinions. Honestly, people who go out of their way to say negative things to strangers are just losers and are somewhat a sociopath. Cyber bullies have a source of anger and hatred draining them in their own lives such as parents, bosses or even other bullies and since they can not return that pain, they take it out on others. No healthy person does this, because healthy people do not target others to anonymously take their anger out on others. Bringing others down to make oneself feel better is a sign of low self esteem and a feeling of entitlement. You know who else feels entitlement? Serial killers and people who commit mass murders in school or other public places. Their harmful words and actions most likely do not even reflect the person they are bullying. Cyber bullying is not like a protest which tells an organization or individual to stop a harmful action but picking on an individual without real reason. They feel they have a right to do harmful acts to others even strangers because another person was mean to them. It is a reflection of their own lives which usually has nothing to do with the target. They do not understand nor can even slightly comprehend that the harm must stop with themselves, instead of spreading it to others. Hurting strangers is not power, but more of a inner cry of help.
If you have ever been cyber bullied, just ignore them or get a police report for harassment without interacting with the bully. Internet addresses from emails, comments, etc can be traced and investigated if you feel your safety has been compromised. The more you interact with the bully, the more encouragement and pleasure they feel to continue on to the next stranger.
Secondly, I'd like to talk about my own privacy since I'm on social media quite a bit. I've had to get a police report on a dog trainer who kept sending me death threats. I did not personally know this woman nor even interact with her. She just found me and saw my dog died in March so she kept writing long hate mails threatening violence toward me and my family. She was just utterly delusional, because if she actually took time to know me, she would know that I am a HUGE animal lover, help companies get up to leaping bunny standards and network cruelty free cosmetics. Her long hateful speech really didn't have anything to do with me personally. She was not there when my dog died nor does she even know what happened. She just felt entitled to be behind a computer screen, safe and cozy in her office and write such mean things. Honestly, I doubt I would be the only one she targeted since I was a random person. Either way, I didn't take it personally, because she didn't know me, who I am, nor what I do. However, ever since then I make sure that I do not reveal too much information about my workplace or current locations like a yelp check-in to the public. Not only that, I do not upload pictures of my daughter or anything that could reveal my home. My mailing address is like 4 miles away from my actual home. Therefore, I've become more aware of my own surroundings as well as my family's surroundings.
The random hate mail I receive is usually racist or people trying to get attention, even borderline hilarious. I haven't reached the point where I want to stop blogging, tweeting or even going outside in public, but for those I love I will sacrifice. If it ever gets to that point I would quit all social media, but I know that all my interactions have been personal expression, sharing what I love and the positive desire to restore harmony. My main goal on twitter and pinterest was never money nor fame but to teach others that you can still feel beautiful without using products tested on animals. And my goal of my blog was to reach out to others in a form of anti-suicide stating that life does get better from that particular moment, you just have to keep going. I know that for every random hate mail, I get about four or five personal mails saying thank you or talking about how my blog as helped him or her reflect upon their own experiences. If I can save one individual from suicide or help push them through depression to a healthy mindset then my time online has been worth it. Not only that, my twitter has helped me meet like minded people who love animals and want to eliminate pseudoscience from cosmetic safety. So what if I get random hate from people I don't know who probably have nothing better to do in their free time? I'm bigger than to sink to that level and repeat that cycle.
I struggled with thoughts of suicide, absolution, and disconnect on a daily basis. I didn't even sleep everyday. It's not like I was just staring out into space but I might as well be. Sometimes I just wrote or did sit ups-something mindless without focus. I fear I was not capable of any other emotion other than hatred. I feared that hatred may consume me someday. This hatred isn't even wrapped in anger but in confusion and sorrow. It is the darkness within me. Anger and rage presented is just the heavy burden of reflex. I still think to myself, it would be so easy to just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Maybe even start another bad habit or two. I could become what I was trained to be, a shell of hatred's decay. Then I would no longer feel the existential crisis in my mind- every morning, every night, and every breath. But my black eyes never matched my heart. I know now it is because of the hatred in my every being that I know that the world doesn't need any more. This world has seen enough hatred, suffering and pain it is would be a waste of freedom of flesh and voice to not try to learn otherwise. Yet I never really understood this concept until I adopted Aimee.
Aimee was a dachshund I adopted from a rescue that rebirthed my soul. She was from a hoarder situation that sold puppies. Sadly, she passed away shortly after being free from that situation but in the time I spent with her, I learned a lifetime of clarity and light. Despite coming from an abusive situation she was so loving and adventurous. Everyday was the first day of her life to give kisses, eat new foods, jump for joy and explore new smells. She was never mean nor bitter. Her simple nature was nothing but love and excitement. She did not continue the darkness that was her past but embraced her new freedom. She didn't let it seep in a brand new day. Unlike me, whom hatred was a mask and a blank lifestyle, to be alive but it not living. Hatred was nothing but a form of suicide and murder, preventing an opportunity for circumstances to get better as well as seeing the beauty of a new day. Today, I still find myself often falling into darkness but think of Aimee and remember the light and beauty in each day. Aimee, my dog saved me from my greatest fear, hatred consuming me. I'll never forget her and never stop loving her even in death. Aimee taught me despite the darkness that weighs a heavy burden, it is by living you have life.
My mother's mental illness is an open secret. You know, that kind of secret which everyone around knows but no one talks about. On a good day she will sit by herself screaming, cursing, crying or laughing to the television or the wall. On a bad day she is throwing knives and breaking dishes at you then trying to break the door down. The sanity she once had in her youth was filled with hatred and rage over broken dreams and poor choices, only to now have that raw emotion amplified ten fold. When she has a violent episode, she has no control over her actions. It is just pure rage to break, insult, hurt, shatter and destroy everything around her. Her triggers could be voices in her head or even just a crooked frame on the wall. If you were on the outside looking in then you would probably think my sisters and I are the monsters then pity her. However, the real monster here is that no one-not her sisters, her friends, my father or my sisters want to accept the truth. The truth is that my mother is not alright and will never be alright.
It's one thing to turn the other cheek to her behavior but to bluntly deny that my mother is anything but okay does no one any favors. The woman has violently beaten, whipped and slashed me for reasons such as the weather was too cold. When and yes I say when the day comes that she kills one of us in a violent episode will only be our fault for seeing signs and not doing anything at all. The first step is just acknowledging that she isn't alright and the rest will come after. But nothing is being done except letting time pass by while her brain and mind diminishes even more. I fear a world where the only ones who do anything are the ones who can not control their raw insanity while the remainder is running in circles hushing each other. I don't know how much longer I will be able to survive being in this circle. We need to talk about mom.