Sunday, January 6, 2013

let's talk about mom

My mother's mental illness is an open secret. You know, that kind of secret which everyone around knows but no one talks about. On a good day she will sit by herself screaming, cursing, crying or laughing to the television or the wall. On a bad day she is throwing knives and breaking dishes at you then trying to break the door down. The sanity she once had in her youth was filled with hatred and rage over broken dreams and poor choices, only to now have that raw emotion amplified ten fold. When she has a violent episode, she has no control over her actions. It is just pure rage to break, insult, hurt, shatter and destroy everything around her. Her triggers could be voices in her head or even just a crooked frame on the wall. If you were on the outside looking in then you would probably think my sisters and I are the monsters then pity her. However, the real monster here is that no one-not her sisters, her friends, my father or my sisters want to accept the truth. The truth is that my mother is not alright and will never be alright.

It's one thing to turn the other cheek to her behavior but to bluntly deny that my mother is anything but okay does no one any favors. The woman has violently beaten, whipped and slashed me for reasons such as the weather was too cold. When and yes I say when the day comes that she kills one of us in a violent episode will only be our fault for seeing signs and not doing anything at all. The first step is just acknowledging that she isn't alright and the rest will come after. But nothing is being done except letting time pass by while her brain and mind diminishes even more. I fear a world where the only ones who do anything are the ones who can not control their raw insanity while the remainder is running in circles hushing each other. I don't know how much longer I will be able to survive being in this circle. We need to talk about mom.