Saturday, July 7, 2012

What Happened to You?

Every night before I close my eyes, after I turn off the light my mind walks through shadows in a field of memories on the brink of falling off a no man's land balance beam. It tells me...

"I want to feel whole.
I want to feel here.
I want to feel warm. "

Onto one side of the balance beam is numbness and apathy, and the other side is rage and hatred. Both sides are shrouded in loneliness and power yet a lack of control but I continue to walk this fine line every night. I have no textbook answer nor miracle pill to make sense of anything. I just know that I feel anger and the ripples of confusion.

The hatred, rage, numbness and apathy is a false blanket of control. The control is always fleeting. It will never bring the warmth and tranquility of being whole nor here. It only covers what lies underneath the inner cogs of the mind where raw truth lies. The more time goes by a new layer of blanket is weaved. These emotions are like snow falling, it is so cold building up. 

I want to believe that there is hope for me. I want to believe I will not be lost under the blanket. I'm so scared of letting these heavy emotions consume me. 

The abuser was most likely once abused too. I can not change the past but I can accept that my anger will always have potential. It can hurt others or perhaps it unwind the cogs and layers. To continue the heavy emotions of rage, numbness and apathy is not a cog of fate. I wish for my no man's land to be more than a thin line on a balance beam. I want to feel that my anger has potential for more than inflicting pain and self destruction. I want the ripples in my actions to not be like thorns on others. At the end of the day it is and will always be an uphill battle against no one but myself. 

The destruction and the cycle of abuse will end with me.

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