Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Aimee's Lullaby

I struggled with thoughts of suicide, absolution, and disconnect on a daily basis. I didn't even sleep everyday. It's not like I was just staring out into space but I might as well be. Sometimes I just wrote or did sit ups-something mindless without focus. I fear I was not capable of any other emotion other than hatred. I feared that hatred may consume me someday. This hatred isn't even wrapped in anger but in confusion and sorrow. It is the darkness within me. Anger and rage presented is just the heavy burden of reflex. I still think to myself, it would be so easy to just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Maybe even start another bad habit or two. I could become what I was trained to be, a shell of hatred's decay. Then I would no longer feel the existential crisis in my mind- every morning, every night, and every breath. But my black eyes never matched my heart. I know now it is because of the hatred in my every being that I know that the world doesn't need any more. This world has seen enough hatred, suffering and pain it is would be a waste of freedom of flesh and voice to not try to learn otherwise. Yet I never really understood this concept until I adopted Aimee.

Aimee was a dachshund I adopted from a rescue that rebirthed my soul. She was from a hoarder situation that sold puppies. Sadly, she passed away shortly after being free from that situation but in the time I spent with her, I learned a lifetime of clarity and light. Despite coming from an abusive situation she was so loving and adventurous. Everyday was the first day of her life to give kisses, eat new foods, jump for joy and explore new smells. She was never mean nor bitter. Her simple nature was nothing but love and excitement. She did not continue the darkness that was her past but embraced her new freedom. She didn't let it seep in a brand new day. Unlike me, whom hatred was a mask and a blank lifestyle, to be alive but it not living.  Hatred was nothing but a form of suicide and murder, preventing an opportunity for circumstances to get better as well as seeing the beauty of a new day. Today, I still find myself often falling into darkness but think of Aimee and remember the light and beauty in each day. Aimee, my dog saved me from my greatest fear, hatred consuming me. I'll never forget her and never stop loving her even in death. Aimee taught me despite the darkness that weighs a heavy burden, it is by living you have life.

RIP Aimee

1 comment: