Born to Die

I hate to admit this, but I understand why women like bad boys. Well, I can understand why I like them but most importantly I understand now why they are bad for me.  They are reckless, dangerous, scarred and dominant. However there is a reason why bad boys are considered bad boys.

Bad boys, it would be a lie if I said all bad boys are mean. They have a past like me and everyone else. In my opinion, they are more raw because they are just getting by with their situations.Why did I choose this one boy over all the other boys who wanted me? Simple answer other than they were attractive was that they weren't boring and I wasn't repulsed by them. We subconsciously fed into each other's emotional distraught and desires when we did reckless things. On the surface it was simply excitement. The physical and emotional violence from my mother left me on the edge and perhaps a short attention span. I ran away from  home when I was seventeen years young as many people already know. I was already doing reckless things to cope with the inability to sleep. So when I was with this one person I felt like he was an extension of me. I went on dates with other people who were simply boring. Boring as in stable, well mannered, slept at a certain hour, and definitely more fascinated by what I was than who I was. I detested those people because they kept thinking I needed some sort of redemption or forgiveness for wanting to stay moving and coping. I looked down up these men. I saw them like little pansies. How could I be with a person like that if I didn't care if I lived or died tomorrow? It was like the lines blurred to a point where no matter where I stood I was crossing a no man's land if I tried to live their lifestyle.

Bad boys aren't good for you if you want to be stable and live a long life. The truth is that love, excitement or infatuation can only take you so far. It's not good if you want a family. Bad boys got that way for a reason. Sometimes their actions such as drug use escalates until the point where you are caught in a crossfire of night and day. It's not good if you want to maintain a job, because you can't be on the spontaneous go. Overall, it's not a good lifestyle unless you are in that mindset, because when you grow out of it or need to be out of it like if you have children then you just become selfish. They are bad for me, because they make me selfish. They make me greedy by wanting them to stay that way for me, to prevent their growth. I don't want to be greedy and selfish.

I realized I had potential and responsibility, therefore I had to leave that lifestyle. I had to find new ways to cope. I had to redefine living but that doesn't mean I had to become something I despised. I had to find a new lifestyle that worked for me. I had to get help. I couldn't feed into my demons anymore.

However, that doesn't mean I still think about the what ifs, the excitement, the thrill and easing the pain.