For the children: Role Models

As a child I felt insignificant. I did not have any true role models. I looked around and could not see any success around me. I saw violence, I saw crime, I saw drugs, but where was the success? As I grew older I thought success was simply financial gain or looking better than the next person, but I was mistaken. I did not see success because to me even as a small child, success was a mentality. 

Success is the indomitable will of knowing you can get knocked down and still get back up. Success is coming full circle with both your hopes and fears, and still keep going. It is important for us to share our stories of strength, how we pushed through fears, how we stood up for what we believe in, and how when we failed we got back up. Success takes courage. Success takes discipline. Success takes passion. Success takes us, and together we are powerful.

From your world to mine.

Stand with Me

Everyone I love, I need you now. I hate to admit this but sometimes I need strength to overcome and keep going. Since Billy passed away I have done my best to carry his spirit always with me, but sometimes the world and weakness of others gets to me. Can we keep fighting together?

“There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.....the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.”~Count of Monte Cristo

Fire and Honor

The universe has a voice but it does not have words. If you listen only with ears, you will not hear. You may think you are wrong or broken because you do not act like others around you. Do not let the acts and words of other noise chaos your inner peace. They may try to pull their storm into you, but you have the ability to pull them into your inner peace. 


A lesson from buddhist mantras

My struggle with PTSD & Stigma

I am not a Doctor. I wrote this post to talk about my own personal experiences of why I felt stigma and in no way it is meant to be insensitive to any one else nor really describe mental illness as a whole. I can only hope my experiences and strength inspires others who struggle with mental pain to seek help or at least treat those suffering with respect.

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I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which includes anxiety and severe bouts of depression. I have been hospitalized twice for symptoms related to severe anxiety attacks and destructive behavior. At the height of it all, some of my behavior included staying awake for 2 or 3 days straight, didn't eat, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time due to nightmares, smoking excessively, afraid hatred would consume me, biting whole nails off, pulling hair, constantly feeling guilty for reasons I shouldn't be and wanting a reset button on my life. There is quite a bit more I could add to that list but overall, I just couldn't really see me as having a future. My head was just foggy. I was so numb and it was worse than any physical pain I've ever endured. And yes, that is from a person who had severe burns, about 15 surgeries and cancer. I was on four different medications at once to get through my day without having an anxiety attack and to sleep through the night.

I only had a handful of people I felt comfortable talking to about what I struggled with behind closed doors because I felt massive stigma. Much of my stigma came from feeling guilty and feeling judged as broken. I felt that I was a burden to anyone I asked help from because my need was so great and I didn't have anything to offer back to them. I felt like I was being ungrateful for the simple things in life and the blessing I had around me. I felt so ashamed because the friends and family I turned to did not wish to address these issues because they did not want to feel like a failure. They would tell me to "just be happy" or that I was "selfish." Those statements disregards the inner battles making it seem like being nightmares, anxiety and depression is a choice. No one wants to feel chronically like he or she is drowning, unable to escape or tortured. It is a heavy burden and war inside. Suffering from mental pain is not selfish. It is an illness like any other illness. You wouldn't call cancer patients selfish, just how it is never okay to call anyone else with an illness selfish. Not only that, the reasons for me was not just a single event but a series of events. I just can't unwind a lifetime of anger, mourning and confusion overnight. I felt so alone but realized that many of my family and friends most likely have never been through the same battles as me and do not know how to handle the situation.

The reason I am able to talk about my own pain now is because I have more confidence in who I am as a person and have a more genuine group of people around me. In order to make progress in recovery, I had to really understand what exactly happened and why. I had to learn that many events are out of my control, but what I could control was my own reaction. However, I can not say I am 100% as I am sometimes prone to relapse. In truth, my mind is still an ongoing battle but at least now in my mind I am winning. And I still struggle with night terrors and nightmares on a daily basis but I have since learned to control my anger. I turned the pain of experience into wisdom and an outward action of helping others instead of inward anger or blame towards others.

What I ask of others is to be empathetic to the struggles others have behind closed doors and that each struggle is individual and unique. Do not try to make a person feel guilty or a failure but instead encourage that person to receive proper help. Just be a friend, you could save a life.

Power Words

Is your diet causing you to feel depressed?

Weight

 I received a huge amount of criticism for gaining weight in the past few months. I've had strangers tell me that I'd look better if I gained a little weight here or lost a little weight there. I haven't always had acceptance of my own body, ever since I could remember I was told that if I was too thin or too fat that no one would want me. Meanwhile, there is no absolute definition of what is enough. Thus, I've learned to realize that if any one who wants to change me to fit their own selfish needs does not respect me hence they can not love me. If that person loved me then he or she would respect me. I am not an object and it is an overwhelming and distraught cycle of thinking I am not good enough. Even if I did try to live up to a standard of how others want me to look, another person may not like that standard. So why try to please anyone when I do not need to please anyone? On the other hand, having disrespectful qualities such being condescending, judgmental, stupid, negative, a predator, a bully, have low self esteem, entitled or vindictive is much worse than being too thin or too fat. Every person has a body type in how their body metabolizes fats and makes muscles. I can no longer be a size 0 and still be considered healthy hence my weight gain. I allowed myself gain the fat and muscle I need to be fully healthy and by allowing myself to stay healthy within my metabolism I ultimately learned to love myself. I didn't let myself go, I let myself be.

"I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival."

-Audre Lorde 

 

The "Safe Cosmetics and Personal Care Products Act" will hurt businesses and animals

The Safe Cosmetics and Personal Care Products Act is a bill that has good intentions such as minimizing animal testing, establishing a safety standard and setting label requirements for ingredients, however there is a major flaw in its design- if passed, a company must be forced to comply with animal testing requirements for at least one year or not be allowed to sell their products. 

This bill states that yes, a business is allowed to use alternative methods of testing their ingredients and products, approved by the Secretary, that do not require animals but there aren't any actual alternative tests listed as of yet. This means that a business must either comply to the laws that require them to use ingredients tested on animals or not be allowed to legally sell their products. These ingredients that would be retested will include already FDA proven safe ones. Not to forget to mention, the awaiting alternative methods do not necessarily mean that animals will not be used at all. It could possibly mean that perhaps more animal testing methods could be made, however just with less than 350 animals per test. Either way, an animal had to suffer because painkillers are not used in these tests as they could disrupt the study. A study that does not accurately depict an animal's anatomy to one of a human. Therefore a business has two choices, change from cruelty free to animal tested or pull out of the market. If a business chooses to stay in the market, that business would be forced to pay fees to have their finished products be tested by a 3rd party. Not only that,  the cost of already FDA proven safe ingredients would become higher from Fair Trade farmers just trying to get by. To add salt to the wound, fair trade farmers would not be allowed to export their ingredients outside of the USA to countries that have already banned animal testing due to alternative methods that include computer models and synthetic cells in long term studies. Fair trade farmers from outside of the US will not be allowed to import to the USA unless they pay the fees for 3rd party testing, however then they will not be allowed to sell to countries that do not allow testing on animals. In conclusion, we as a country can not afford to widen the poor vs rich gap if it means giving up our independent morals or carry a heavy unnecessary distasteful burden

This dog was not given any pain killers as his eye was being cut out. 

Here is what you can do:

In order to prevent this bill from passing, please write to your political representative stating that you OPPOSE this bill.

 http://www.opencongress.org/bill/hr1385-113/show

Hello

Hi everyone,

I read each and every one of the emails you send to me despite being slow at responding. I overwhelmed with emotion to hear your stories and how my blog has touched your life. I can not thank you all enough. Many of you are going through pain or tough times but remember you must keep going, seek the resources available to you and don't give up. There are people who do care that you are struggling and maybe those around you in person are unable to notice but there are people willing to help see you through tough times. Continue to seek others like you and know that you are not alone. If you are feeling alone in the world, don't forget that you mean something to me in my life.

With Love,
Sara

I'm against 'Grey Thursday"

This is a repost from a status on my Google+

I've worked in two hospitals and on the field as an emergency medical technician. I was at the deathbeds of numerous people both young and old. Many confessed that they regret spending money instead of spending more time with loved ones. Please do not go out to shop on your holiday off if it requires time away from those you love and cherish. Spend time with those you love, because you never know when you'll never have that opportunity again.

Cyberbullying & Privacy

A computer is a mask which can be a voice for positive or negative opinion. Sadly, many people choose to voice negative opinions. Honestly, people who go out of their way to say negative things to strangers are just losers and are somewhat a sociopath. Cyber bullies have a source of anger and hatred draining them in their own lives such as parents, bosses or even other bullies and since they can not return that pain, they take it out on others. No healthy person does this, because healthy people do not target others to anonymously take their anger out on others. Bringing others down to make oneself feel better is a sign of low self esteem and a feeling of entitlement. You know who else feels entitlement? Serial killers and people who commit mass murders in school or other public places. Their harmful words and actions most likely do not even reflect the person they are bullying. Cyber bullying is not like a protest which tells an organization or individual to stop a harmful action but picking on an individual without real reason. They feel they have a right to do harmful acts to others even strangers because another person was mean to them. It is a reflection of their own lives which usually has nothing to do with the target. They do not understand nor can even slightly comprehend that the harm must stop with themselves, instead of spreading it to others. Hurting strangers is not power, but more of a inner cry of help. 

If you have ever been cyber bullied, just ignore them or get a police report for harassment without interacting with the bully. Internet addresses from emails, comments, etc can be traced and investigated if you feel your safety has been compromised. The more you interact with the bully, the more encouragement and pleasure they feel to continue on to the next stranger. 

Secondly, I'd like to talk about my own privacy since I'm on social media quite a bit. I've had to get a police report on a dog trainer who kept sending me death threats. I did not personally know this woman nor even interact with her. She just found me and saw my dog died in March so she kept writing long hate mails threatening violence toward me and my family. She was just utterly delusional, because if she actually took time to know me, she would know that I am a HUGE animal lover, help companies get up to leaping bunny standards and network cruelty free cosmetics. Her long hateful speech really didn't have anything to do with me personally. She was not there when my dog died nor does she even know what happened. She just felt entitled to be behind a computer screen, safe and cozy in her office and write such mean things. Honestly, I doubt I would be the only one she targeted since I was a random person. Either way, I didn't take it personally, because she didn't know me, who I am, nor what I do. However, ever since then I make sure that I do not reveal too much information about my workplace or current locations like a yelp check-in to the public. Not only that, I do not upload pictures of my daughter or anything that could reveal my home. My mailing address is like 4 miles away from my actual home. Therefore, I've become more aware of my own surroundings as well as my family's surroundings. 

The random hate mail I receive is usually racist or people trying to get attention, even borderline hilarious. I haven't reached the point where I want to stop blogging, tweeting or even going outside in public, but for those I love I will sacrifice. If it ever gets to that point I would quit all social media, but I know that all my interactions have been personal expression, sharing what I love and the positive desire to restore harmony. My main goal on twitter and pinterest was never money nor fame but to teach others that you can still feel beautiful without using products tested on animals. And my goal of my blog was to reach out to others in a form of anti-suicide stating that life does get better from that particular moment, you just have to keep going. I know that for every random hate mail, I get about four or five personal mails saying thank you or talking about how my blog as helped him or her reflect upon their own experiences. If I can save one individual from suicide or help push them through depression to a healthy mindset then my time online has been worth it. Not only that, my twitter has helped me meet like minded people who love animals and want to eliminate pseudoscience from cosmetic safety. So what if I get random hate from people I don't know who probably have nothing better to do in their free time? I'm bigger than to sink to that level and repeat that cycle.

Aimee's Lullaby

I struggled with thoughts of suicide, absolution, and disconnect on a daily basis. I didn't even sleep everyday. It's not like I was just staring out into space but I might as well be. Sometimes I just wrote or did sit ups-something mindless without focus. I fear I was not capable of any other emotion other than hatred. I feared that hatred may consume me someday. This hatred isn't even wrapped in anger but in confusion and sorrow. It is the darkness within me. Anger and rage presented is just the heavy burden of reflex. I still think to myself, it would be so easy to just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Maybe even start another bad habit or two. I could become what I was trained to be, a shell of hatred's decay. Then I would no longer feel the existential crisis in my mind- every morning, every night, and every breath. But my black eyes never matched my heart. I know now it is because of the hatred in my every being that I know that the world doesn't need any more. This world has seen enough hatred, suffering and pain it is would be a waste of freedom of flesh and voice to not try to learn otherwise. Yet I never really understood this concept until I adopted Aimee.

Aimee was a dachshund I adopted from a rescue that rebirthed my soul. She was from a hoarder situation that sold puppies. Sadly, she passed away shortly after being free from that situation but in the time I spent with her, I learned a lifetime of clarity and light. Despite coming from an abusive situation she was so loving and adventurous. Everyday was the first day of her life to give kisses, eat new foods, jump for joy and explore new smells. She was never mean nor bitter. Her simple nature was nothing but love and excitement. She did not continue the darkness that was her past but embraced her new freedom. She didn't let it seep in a brand new day. Unlike me, whom hatred was a mask and a blank lifestyle, to be alive but it not living.  Hatred was nothing but a form of suicide and murder, preventing an opportunity for circumstances to get better as well as seeing the beauty of a new day. Today, I still find myself often falling into darkness but think of Aimee and remember the light and beauty in each day. Aimee, my dog saved me from my greatest fear, hatred consuming me. I'll never forget her and never stop loving her even in death. Aimee taught me despite the darkness that weighs a heavy burden, it is by living you have life.

RIP Aimee

let's talk about mom

My mother's mental illness is an open secret. You know, that kind of secret which everyone around knows but no one talks about. On a good day she will sit by herself screaming, cursing, crying or laughing to the television or the wall. On a bad day she is throwing knives and breaking dishes at you then trying to break the door down. The sanity she once had in her youth was filled with hatred and rage over broken dreams and poor choices, only to now have that raw emotion amplified ten fold. When she has a violent episode, she has no control over her actions. It is just pure rage to break, insult, hurt, shatter and destroy everything around her. Her triggers could be voices in her head or even just a crooked frame on the wall. If you were on the outside looking in then you would probably think my sisters and I are the monsters then pity her. However, the real monster here is that no one-not her sisters, her friends, my father or my sisters want to accept the truth. The truth is that my mother is not alright and will never be alright.

It's one thing to turn the other cheek to her behavior but to bluntly deny that my mother is anything but okay does no one any favors. The woman has violently beaten, whipped and slashed me for reasons such as the weather was too cold. When and yes I say when the day comes that she kills one of us in a violent episode will only be our fault for seeing signs and not doing anything at all. The first step is just acknowledging that she isn't alright and the rest will come after. But nothing is being done except letting time pass by while her brain and mind diminishes even more. I fear a world where the only ones who do anything are the ones who can not control their raw insanity while the remainder is running in circles hushing each other. I don't know how much longer I will be able to survive being in this circle. We need to talk about mom.

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

Beyonce  ~I was here

Spending too much, Saving too little

This post will address two things 1.Spending too much on stuff I don't need 2. Money as self esteem


When I first starting dating my boyfriend he was surprised about how many shoes I had. In the Fall of 2011 I had 63 pairs of shoes but in the Fall of 2010 I only had about 10 pairs. Five of those pairs were for work or sports. Many of these shoes were gifts but the rest I bought myself. The most expensive pair I have are a pair of $630 handmade boots from Spain. Luckily these were a gift but I have bought $300 shoes on sale for $120. That's so much money! I don't even know why I like shoes so much, and people gave me lots of shoes because they thought I liked shoes. I don't even try to impress anyone with my feet. It wasn't like I was hoarding or had any emotional attachment to them. I had a steady intake and outtake of shoes. (Yes, I do give away stuff to the Salvation Army if my donations are still in good shape.) It wasn't the fact that I had so much, it was the fact that I spent so much that was terrible. So why did I buy so much? The simple answer was because I could.

Looking back at the mental side of this, someone can wonder when I went shop crazy. I was born far from a silver spoon. Our house had card board to cover holes in the wall. We didn't even have clean running water or waste facilities that worked everyday. We lived in third world conditions in a first world country. Now fast forward to when I was 22 years old to when the problem began. I broke up with my long time boyfriend and had extra money with no one else to speak their opinion about my money. Therefore, without realizing it I would impulse buy here and there instead of thinking about what I bought. I had the money, I didn't get overdraft fees so why not? On the other hand, when I was younger I had to have much more restraint and save my money because good times don't always last. All my spending didn't exactly get me ahead in life other than those small moments of happiness. Luckily I stopped my bad impulse buy habit because my boyfriend pointed out that if I kept spending money instead of saving then I am keeping myself stagnant. The because I can attitude is no good because it digs me into a hole instead of saving for the bigger picture.

This new found understanding of why it is good to save money has also helped me understand why some people feel the need to base their self-esteem and value on their bank accounts. Other than the fact that money helps pay the bills and feed our bellies, money can bring you material pleasure and sycophants. When I go shopping in $300 dollar heels then I do get quite a bit more attention than I would in my dirty running sneakers. If I wear my diamond jewelry then waiters and bartenders tend to be extra nice. People just seem much more polite to you if have something to offer. Not only that, material things are not necessary always needed such as when I had over 50 pairs of shoes but it brought me a nice variety of choices and visual pleasure. However, it is extremely unhealthy to base your self value and self esteem on anything that can be here today and gone tomorrow.

Imagine not being able to buy the things you want such as a fancy car and seeing your neighbor with that fancy car. The neighbor may ask "Hey, why don't you just go out and buy one of these?" You will probably make up excuses on why you can't afford it even though you secretly want one, but the bottom line is that you can't afford it without disregarding priorities such as bills or your children.  Well eventually, say you came into a bit of money such as a promotion and now you can buy those things such as the car now. As you drive around in this fancy new car, heads turn and people are much nicer to you. This instant gratification and reward is just so easy to gain! Every reaction you want that you get is like an addiction. Keep on going and eventually you get into the millionaire's club. You technically don't need that much money but if you go any lower than one million then you will no longer have the status nor esteem of being in this prestigious club. You have a quite large variety of places to go, foods to eat, shoes to wear, size of diamonds and maybe some new plastic surgery at your fingertips. You have so much power to spend more. Now somehow you lose all that money and you just average once again. All those people who were impressed by you are no long giving you much attention, you don't have fancy things and worse of all your neighbor, the one who you were in competition with and felt was judging you, is asking you what happened.

The idea that life is about how others view you is a terrible misconception on the absolute concept of beauty. Life will never have an absolute concept of beauty because the idea of an absolute concept of beauty is a Utopian idea. Utopias do not exist. There are guidelines but no definitely color by numbers picture. It is the pressure of being judged without the ceiling existing in what good enough means while maintaining the idea of good enough that can drive someone over the edge. The edge is the line where you cross over from having self esteem and confidence in yourself to basing it upon your possessions and how others see you. A negative emotional state can lead to several mental health problems such as anxiety or depression. Not only that you could become very angry and irritated which can lead to taking your anger out on others such as loved ones who do not deserve it. Hurting others will alienate you further into a metal state of isolation and loneliness. Anxiety or depression does come with physical symptoms of a lack of energy as well as motivation. This can hurt you if you do not seek help. If your mood is based on money and it is not possible to duplicate the life style you once lived then you will have trouble recovering. Therefore, if you base your self esteem and self value on money then it may not promote your well being but rather actually degrade it.