For the children: Role Models

As a child I felt insignificant. I did not have any true role models. I looked around and could not see any success around me. I saw violence, I saw crime, I saw drugs, but where was the success? As I grew older I thought success was simply financial gain or looking better than the next person, but I was mistaken. I did not see success because to me even as a small child, success was a mentality. 

Success is the indomitable will of knowing you can get knocked down and still get back up. Success is coming full circle with both your hopes and fears, and still keep going. It is important for us to share our stories of strength, how we pushed through fears, how we stood up for what we believe in, and how when we failed we got back up. Success takes courage. Success takes discipline. Success takes passion. Success takes us, and together we are powerful.

From your world to mine.

Stand with Me

Everyone I love, I need you now. I hate to admit this but sometimes I need strength to overcome and keep going. Since Billy passed away I have done my best to carry his spirit always with me, but sometimes the world and weakness of others gets to me. Can we keep fighting together?

Eulogy for William R. Choy

This is the Eulogy I wrote for Will, reflecting on his life and how he has inspired me to carry on.

_______________________

My name is Sara. Many of you know me as Will’s friend or his sister. But Will referred to me as his little curse. I would play terrible pranks like replace his whiskey with soy sauce, randomly skype his friends, autocorrect the “lol” on his phone to terrible naughty bad things and so on.

     Will was and will probably always be the most patient and loving person I know. I remember, no matter how late at night, he was willing to meet up to provide solace. Sometimes I would be so angry. I was so hateful. We lost so many to disease, evil and the world’s madness. We have suffered so much and for many of us, we already know how our life will end. It can leave one so understandably angry and hateful. But Will told me “If hatred could burn the world down then imagine what love could do.“

I loved him so much and I still have trouble expressing how I feel. But if you could imagine what it is like to lose gravity. It feels something like that. When he began to fade, I thought I could never love again.  I felt so alone. The first couple weeks were the worse because it was just his aunt and I. But over time, more people kept coming forward. People who Will loved and Will loved them back. They told me stories of how Will influenced their lives and brought them joy. Many even went out of their way to reach out to me and talk to me personally.

     Will said everyone who visited him, wrote him messages, stood by his side, cared for him when he was not so lovable, the ones who reached out to me and looked death in the eye were brave. To him, bravery was not dying. Dying was just another part of life.  Being brave means to be terrified but still push through. To be brave is to do the right thing and follow your heart even no one is watching. To be brave is to love in a world where hate is so strong.     

These past couple of months, I have seen more bravery and strength than I have ever in my whole life.  And some of you have become like my new family.  I do not feel alone anymore. I feel hope. I never thought this life would be so beautiful. It is not hatred for a disease that has brought us together; we are united by the love of one man.

     If Will could still love in a world so fragile and on fire, then we can too. When you leave here today, if you apply this compassion, bravery and love as you continue living your life, then Will is not dead. He is alive in all of us.  You will never be alone.

My struggle with PTSD & Stigma

I am not a Doctor. I wrote this post to talk about my own personal experiences of why I felt stigma and in no way it is meant to be insensitive to any one else nor really describe mental illness as a whole. I can only hope my experiences and strength inspires others who struggle with mental pain to seek help or at least treat those suffering with respect.

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I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which includes anxiety and severe bouts of depression. I have been hospitalized twice for symptoms related to severe anxiety attacks and destructive behavior. At the height of it all, some of my behavior included staying awake for 2 or 3 days straight, didn't eat, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time due to nightmares, smoking excessively, afraid hatred would consume me, biting whole nails off, pulling hair, constantly feeling guilty for reasons I shouldn't be and wanting a reset button on my life. There is quite a bit more I could add to that list but overall, I just couldn't really see me as having a future. My head was just foggy. I was so numb and it was worse than any physical pain I've ever endured. And yes, that is from a person who had severe burns, about 15 surgeries and cancer. I was on four different medications at once to get through my day without having an anxiety attack and to sleep through the night.

I only had a handful of people I felt comfortable talking to about what I struggled with behind closed doors because I felt massive stigma. Much of my stigma came from feeling guilty and feeling judged as broken. I felt that I was a burden to anyone I asked help from because my need was so great and I didn't have anything to offer back to them. I felt like I was being ungrateful for the simple things in life and the blessing I had around me. I felt so ashamed because the friends and family I turned to did not wish to address these issues because they did not want to feel like a failure. They would tell me to "just be happy" or that I was "selfish." Those statements disregards the inner battles making it seem like being nightmares, anxiety and depression is a choice. No one wants to feel chronically like he or she is drowning, unable to escape or tortured. It is a heavy burden and war inside. Suffering from mental pain is not selfish. It is an illness like any other illness. You wouldn't call cancer patients selfish, just how it is never okay to call anyone else with an illness selfish. Not only that, the reasons for me was not just a single event but a series of events. I just can't unwind a lifetime of anger, mourning and confusion overnight. I felt so alone but realized that many of my family and friends most likely have never been through the same battles as me and do not know how to handle the situation.

The reason I am able to talk about my own pain now is because I have more confidence in who I am as a person and have a more genuine group of people around me. In order to make progress in recovery, I had to really understand what exactly happened and why. I had to learn that many events are out of my control, but what I could control was my own reaction. However, I can not say I am 100% as I am sometimes prone to relapse. In truth, my mind is still an ongoing battle but at least now in my mind I am winning. And I still struggle with night terrors and nightmares on a daily basis but I have since learned to control my anger. I turned the pain of experience into wisdom and an outward action of helping others instead of inward anger or blame towards others.

What I ask of others is to be empathetic to the struggles others have behind closed doors and that each struggle is individual and unique. Do not try to make a person feel guilty or a failure but instead encourage that person to receive proper help. Just be a friend, you could save a life.

Health, Beauty & Blog Resolutions for 2014

I see every new year as a chance to better myself in a healthy direction. Past resolutions that I've accomplished included transitioning into all non-animal tested makeup, be more social, learn to cook and quit red meat. The goals that I make are not accomplished overnight but as a gradual transition. Sometimes goals can be like a cha-cha dance with two steps forward but one step back. However, I know that if I keep pushing myself in a healthy direction and do baby steps, a goal can not only be reached but stay.

1. Have a healthy sleep cycle

I don't sleep enough and have very bad insomnia. I sleep maybe four hours a night on average, hence the chronic eye bags and poofiness. I want  to try to set my schedule to sleep at 11pm and wake up at 6am. If I get to bed by 10:30pm then I can try to make my body get used to needing to sleep at a certain time. Not only that I should try to spray my bed with relaxing scents after I do my skincare so I can further train my body to know it is time to say goodnight.

2. Shop Small Business
I want my money to go to real people. Spending money on small business helps families and the economy thrive. I'm exhausted on spending my money on companies that pay their employees only minimum wage and don't seem to appreciate their customers. Helping out the underdog helps real people and families get ahead and a chance to have more opportunities such as education and healthy living. In order to accomplish this goal, I plan to spend my money on small businesses such as independent cosmetic or soap companies, family owned produce stores and various other items such as jewelry or clothing.

3. Be more naked
In the past few months I've felt more happy with my body. In the past I felt too skinny or very unattractive physically. Now, I love my body and don't feel shy to wear tank tops or bikinis. I know that my body is just for me and I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I'm healthy and I'm happy with it. In order to accomplish my goal of being more naked, I plan on wearing more bikinis at the beach, wear more skirts and whatever I want to wear according to the warm weather that makes me happy. I'm not doing it for attention, I'm doing it because I love and accept myself.


4. Home cooked meals, juice and smoothies

Eating out all the time is not only costly but has some mysterious ingredients for flavor that can be unhealthy for me. First of all, buying juice and smoothies add up for the price of convenience when I can easily make my own. Second, cooking my own meals means that I know what is in my food as well as where the ingredients come from. I can guarantee that the vegetables or fish I buy is fresh and not spoiled or full of pesticides. I can accomplish cooking my own food and making my own juice and smoothies by going to the grocery store twice a week to buy fresh ingredients and setting time aside the night before to cook my meals for the following days.


5. Support my beauty blogger friends more
My beauty blogger friends are some of the most positive people I know. I tend to stay friends with the ones who are down to earth and kind. I want to show my support to them more to know that I appreciate them. I plan on doing this by retweeting their blogs, sharing their blogs and leaving more comments.


Overall, I believe each of these goals can be reached. They are realistic to me and can be built up over time.

What are your new years resolutions?

Hello

Hi everyone,

I read each and every one of the emails you send to me despite being slow at responding. I overwhelmed with emotion to hear your stories and how my blog has touched your life. I can not thank you all enough. Many of you are going through pain or tough times but remember you must keep going, seek the resources available to you and don't give up. There are people who do care that you are struggling and maybe those around you in person are unable to notice but there are people willing to help see you through tough times. Continue to seek others like you and know that you are not alone. If you are feeling alone in the world, don't forget that you mean something to me in my life.

With Love,
Sara

No regrets

Pink Bullets by The Shins

Cyberbullying & Privacy

A computer is a mask which can be a voice for positive or negative opinion. Sadly, many people choose to voice negative opinions. Honestly, people who go out of their way to say negative things to strangers are just losers and are somewhat a sociopath. Cyber bullies have a source of anger and hatred draining them in their own lives such as parents, bosses or even other bullies and since they can not return that pain, they take it out on others. No healthy person does this, because healthy people do not target others to anonymously take their anger out on others. Bringing others down to make oneself feel better is a sign of low self esteem and a feeling of entitlement. You know who else feels entitlement? Serial killers and people who commit mass murders in school or other public places. Their harmful words and actions most likely do not even reflect the person they are bullying. Cyber bullying is not like a protest which tells an organization or individual to stop a harmful action but picking on an individual without real reason. They feel they have a right to do harmful acts to others even strangers because another person was mean to them. It is a reflection of their own lives which usually has nothing to do with the target. They do not understand nor can even slightly comprehend that the harm must stop with themselves, instead of spreading it to others. Hurting strangers is not power, but more of a inner cry of help. 

If you have ever been cyber bullied, just ignore them or get a police report for harassment without interacting with the bully. Internet addresses from emails, comments, etc can be traced and investigated if you feel your safety has been compromised. The more you interact with the bully, the more encouragement and pleasure they feel to continue on to the next stranger. 

Secondly, I'd like to talk about my own privacy since I'm on social media quite a bit. I've had to get a police report on a dog trainer who kept sending me death threats. I did not personally know this woman nor even interact with her. She just found me and saw my dog died in March so she kept writing long hate mails threatening violence toward me and my family. She was just utterly delusional, because if she actually took time to know me, she would know that I am a HUGE animal lover, help companies get up to leaping bunny standards and network cruelty free cosmetics. Her long hateful speech really didn't have anything to do with me personally. She was not there when my dog died nor does she even know what happened. She just felt entitled to be behind a computer screen, safe and cozy in her office and write such mean things. Honestly, I doubt I would be the only one she targeted since I was a random person. Either way, I didn't take it personally, because she didn't know me, who I am, nor what I do. However, ever since then I make sure that I do not reveal too much information about my workplace or current locations like a yelp check-in to the public. Not only that, I do not upload pictures of my daughter or anything that could reveal my home. My mailing address is like 4 miles away from my actual home. Therefore, I've become more aware of my own surroundings as well as my family's surroundings. 

The random hate mail I receive is usually racist or people trying to get attention, even borderline hilarious. I haven't reached the point where I want to stop blogging, tweeting or even going outside in public, but for those I love I will sacrifice. If it ever gets to that point I would quit all social media, but I know that all my interactions have been personal expression, sharing what I love and the positive desire to restore harmony. My main goal on twitter and pinterest was never money nor fame but to teach others that you can still feel beautiful without using products tested on animals. And my goal of my blog was to reach out to others in a form of anti-suicide stating that life does get better from that particular moment, you just have to keep going. I know that for every random hate mail, I get about four or five personal mails saying thank you or talking about how my blog as helped him or her reflect upon their own experiences. If I can save one individual from suicide or help push them through depression to a healthy mindset then my time online has been worth it. Not only that, my twitter has helped me meet like minded people who love animals and want to eliminate pseudoscience from cosmetic safety. So what if I get random hate from people I don't know who probably have nothing better to do in their free time? I'm bigger than to sink to that level and repeat that cycle.

Aimee's Lullaby

I struggled with thoughts of suicide, absolution, and disconnect on a daily basis. I didn't even sleep everyday. It's not like I was just staring out into space but I might as well be. Sometimes I just wrote or did sit ups-something mindless without focus. I fear I was not capable of any other emotion other than hatred. I feared that hatred may consume me someday. This hatred isn't even wrapped in anger but in confusion and sorrow. It is the darkness within me. Anger and rage presented is just the heavy burden of reflex. I still think to myself, it would be so easy to just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Maybe even start another bad habit or two. I could become what I was trained to be, a shell of hatred's decay. Then I would no longer feel the existential crisis in my mind- every morning, every night, and every breath. But my black eyes never matched my heart. I know now it is because of the hatred in my every being that I know that the world doesn't need any more. This world has seen enough hatred, suffering and pain it is would be a waste of freedom of flesh and voice to not try to learn otherwise. Yet I never really understood this concept until I adopted Aimee.

Aimee was a dachshund I adopted from a rescue that rebirthed my soul. She was from a hoarder situation that sold puppies. Sadly, she passed away shortly after being free from that situation but in the time I spent with her, I learned a lifetime of clarity and light. Despite coming from an abusive situation she was so loving and adventurous. Everyday was the first day of her life to give kisses, eat new foods, jump for joy and explore new smells. She was never mean nor bitter. Her simple nature was nothing but love and excitement. She did not continue the darkness that was her past but embraced her new freedom. She didn't let it seep in a brand new day. Unlike me, whom hatred was a mask and a blank lifestyle, to be alive but it not living.  Hatred was nothing but a form of suicide and murder, preventing an opportunity for circumstances to get better as well as seeing the beauty of a new day. Today, I still find myself often falling into darkness but think of Aimee and remember the light and beauty in each day. Aimee, my dog saved me from my greatest fear, hatred consuming me. I'll never forget her and never stop loving her even in death. Aimee taught me despite the darkness that weighs a heavy burden, it is by living you have life.

RIP Aimee

let's talk about mom

My mother's mental illness is an open secret. You know, that kind of secret which everyone around knows but no one talks about. On a good day she will sit by herself screaming, cursing, crying or laughing to the television or the wall. On a bad day she is throwing knives and breaking dishes at you then trying to break the door down. The sanity she once had in her youth was filled with hatred and rage over broken dreams and poor choices, only to now have that raw emotion amplified ten fold. When she has a violent episode, she has no control over her actions. It is just pure rage to break, insult, hurt, shatter and destroy everything around her. Her triggers could be voices in her head or even just a crooked frame on the wall. If you were on the outside looking in then you would probably think my sisters and I are the monsters then pity her. However, the real monster here is that no one-not her sisters, her friends, my father or my sisters want to accept the truth. The truth is that my mother is not alright and will never be alright.

It's one thing to turn the other cheek to her behavior but to bluntly deny that my mother is anything but okay does no one any favors. The woman has violently beaten, whipped and slashed me for reasons such as the weather was too cold. When and yes I say when the day comes that she kills one of us in a violent episode will only be our fault for seeing signs and not doing anything at all. The first step is just acknowledging that she isn't alright and the rest will come after. But nothing is being done except letting time pass by while her brain and mind diminishes even more. I fear a world where the only ones who do anything are the ones who can not control their raw insanity while the remainder is running in circles hushing each other. I don't know how much longer I will be able to survive being in this circle. We need to talk about mom.

New Years Resolutions

Every year I try to set realistic goals to better myself either mentally or physically. Last year my resolutions for 2012 was to transition into all cruelty-free products such as cleaning supplies, bath, skin and cosmetics and quit red meat. I am happy to say that this has not only been accomplished but I have met a great group of people who share and support the belief that testing vanity on animals is not necessary. Not only that, my second resolution of quitting red meat has been successful! It took some time because of protein issues but around March I was completely off red meat. I don't miss eating cows, lambs or pork, because I don't desire it. I've actually begun to eat more overall, because I've always had a bit of a unconscious disgust with eat meat since I've had to eat out of trash cans and hunt as a small child. This goal has come with much opinion from strangers on Google+. It is my own personal belief to not eat anything I haven't hunted out of necessity nor eat anything raised to die. I firmly believe that animals especially mammals are capable of emotions. I honestly feel much healthier physically because red meat is often cooked in grease and has much fat as well. Choosing to not eat red meat is my own personal decision which I do not push on others. On the other hand, I still believe and push to end testing on animals because animals are alive as they are being poked in the eyes, injected or forced to ingest vanity products. This is torture and that is not okay to make another life suffer slowly.

Moving on, I've decided on trying to accomplish a few more goals!

1. Money: I want to save more money in order to buy a car. I shared a few vehicles with a former significant other, but as I grow older and independent I want to have one of my own in only my name.  In order to save more money I plan on eating out less and buy less junk food. These are two things I can seriously cut back on as well as accomplish, because I can cook for myself and junk food is not good for me.

2. Stress: I plan on releasing stress by doing 30 mins of yoga twice a week. It's basically stretching and attempting to clear the mind. In order to do this, I will set a dedicated time for this at the same time every week.

3. Understand: Since I've gained some attention through the internet, I've encountered some very not nice people. I wish to be more patient with everyone and try harder to understand what point they are coming from. However, this also means I will choose my battles more wisely and not acknowledge nor pursue unreasonable people who want me to feel bad.


Well it's not much but that's the plan so far!


Have a great New Years everyone! xoxo

my hamsters

Big or small, love and be loved. 

 

I voted

Today I helped determine the future.

Today I did something that many people have died for.

Today I voted.

happy endings

I saw this on a friend's pinterest and thought it was brilliant.

I'm not a woman that needs a man to validate me. I've got a good thing going on right now in terms of friends, health and outside activities. It just sucks, you know? Sometimes you just have to take a step back and say "hey this sucks." It sucks that another person doesn't want me anymore because he feels he can't trust me. And it's not like I completely trusted him neither. Relationships can't flourish without trust. Yet as always, there is beauty in moving on and moving forward.

the devil is in the details

The moment he walked into the room, I was drawn to his charisma. It wasn't long soon after we were staying up all night in the summer heat blowing smoke into each other's mouths. I was covered in scars and he had ink. I liked to watch him work his hands, calloused hands, a worker's hands. He liked driving fast for hours to ease our minds, ease our loneliness. We took risks, calmed our fears, skipped heartbeats and got into trouble. Home was where ever we made it. Our love was like an inside joke. We had nothing and wanted everything.

Today, I regret nothing. There's no doubt in my mind that at one point we loved each other's company raw and honest, but relationships need room to grow. I moved on to other things, while he went down the path he did. The truth is there's no fairy tale ending for sinners, just one long race. He got ahead while I lagged behind.




Born to Die

New pinterest page!

Hey everyone!

I created a pinterest page! Thank you to the help of a couple friends I learned how to do it. Many people ask what products I use daily or in my life, thus I pinned pics online to show you them. I couldn't find everything yet but I'm working on it.


My Pinterest Page

Much Love,
Sara

No Light, No Light

There is darkness within me, no doubt about it. The hurt, anger, loneliness and vulnerability could be a separate entity in itself like a bubble on the outside looking in. I still walk this balance beam delicately placed in the no man's land within my mind but at the end of my balance beam is a diving board. To dive in means to touch it, to acknowledge it. I have survived the worse and it will always be apart of me. Perhaps more bad things will happen which may invite more darkness but it is familiar now. I survived and now I thrive.

Each time that darkness comes back I will dive in and embrace it. Let the waves rip me up and I'll be put back together like broken glass. And when my pieces flow to shore, the water will have touched every bit of me and I'll realize that it's okay. Brush dust off my shoulders and continue forward because it's alright. 

The darkness is apart of me but it is not all of me. 

Florence + The Machine -No Light, No Light