"Life is a series of disastrous moments, painful moments, unexpected moments, and things that will break your heart. And in between those moments, you savor, savor, savor."
– Sandra Bullock

No regrets

Pink Bullets by The Shins

Cyberbullying & Privacy

A computer is a mask which can be a voice for positive or negative opinion. Sadly, many people choose to voice negative opinions. Honestly, people who go out of their way to say negative things to strangers are just losers and are somewhat a sociopath. Cyber bullies have a source of anger and hatred draining them in their own lives such as parents, bosses or even other bullies and since they can not return that pain, they take it out on others. No healthy person does this, because healthy people do not target others to anonymously take their anger out on others. Bringing others down to make oneself feel better is a sign of low self esteem and a feeling of entitlement. You know who else feels entitlement? Serial killers and people who commit mass murders in school or other public places. Their harmful words and actions most likely do not even reflect the person they are bullying. Cyber bullying is not like a protest which tells an organization or individual to stop a harmful action but picking on an individual without real reason. They feel they have a right to do harmful acts to others even strangers because another person was mean to them. It is a reflection of their own lives which usually has nothing to do with the target. They do not understand nor can even slightly comprehend that the harm must stop with themselves, instead of spreading it to others. Hurting strangers is not power, but more of a inner cry of help. 

If you have ever been cyber bullied, just ignore them or get a police report for harassment without interacting with the bully. Internet addresses from emails, comments, etc can be traced and investigated if you feel your safety has been compromised. The more you interact with the bully, the more encouragement and pleasure they feel to continue on to the next stranger. 

Secondly, I'd like to talk about my own privacy since I'm on social media quite a bit. I've had to get a police report on a dog trainer who kept sending me death threats. I did not personally know this woman nor even interact with her. She just found me and saw my dog died in March so she kept writing long hate mails threatening violence toward me and my family. She was just utterly delusional, because if she actually took time to know me, she would know that I am a HUGE animal lover, help companies get up to leaping bunny standards and network cruelty free cosmetics. Her long hateful speech really didn't have anything to do with me personally. She was not there when my dog died nor does she even know what happened. She just felt entitled to be behind a computer screen, safe and cozy in her office and write such mean things. Honestly, I doubt I would be the only one she targeted since I was a random person. Either way, I didn't take it personally, because she didn't know me, who I am, nor what I do. However, ever since then I make sure that I do not reveal too much information about my workplace or current locations like a yelp check-in to the public. Not only that, I do not upload pictures of my daughter or anything that could reveal my home. My mailing address is like 4 miles away from my actual home. Therefore, I've become more aware of my own surroundings as well as my family's surroundings. 

The random hate mail I receive is usually racist or people trying to get attention, even borderline hilarious. I haven't reached the point where I want to stop blogging, tweeting or even going outside in public, but for those I love I will sacrifice. If it ever gets to that point I would quit all social media, but I know that all my interactions have been personal expression, sharing what I love and the positive desire to restore harmony. My main goal on twitter and pinterest was never money nor fame but to teach others that you can still feel beautiful without using products tested on animals. And my goal of my blog was to reach out to others in a form of anti-suicide stating that life does get better from that particular moment, you just have to keep going. I know that for every random hate mail, I get about four or five personal mails saying thank you or talking about how my blog as helped him or her reflect upon their own experiences. If I can save one individual from suicide or help push them through depression to a healthy mindset then my time online has been worth it. Not only that, my twitter has helped me meet like minded people who love animals and want to eliminate pseudoscience from cosmetic safety. So what if I get random hate from people I don't know who probably have nothing better to do in their free time? I'm bigger than to sink to that level and repeat that cycle.

Aimee's Lullaby

I struggled with thoughts of suicide, absolution, and disconnect on a daily basis. I didn't even sleep everyday. It's not like I was just staring out into space but I might as well be. Sometimes I just wrote or did sit ups-something mindless without focus. I fear I was not capable of any other emotion other than hatred. I feared that hatred may consume me someday. This hatred isn't even wrapped in anger but in confusion and sorrow. It is the darkness within me. Anger and rage presented is just the heavy burden of reflex. I still think to myself, it would be so easy to just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Maybe even start another bad habit or two. I could become what I was trained to be, a shell of hatred's decay. Then I would no longer feel the existential crisis in my mind- every morning, every night, and every breath. But my black eyes never matched my heart. I know now it is because of the hatred in my every being that I know that the world doesn't need any more. This world has seen enough hatred, suffering and pain it is would be a waste of freedom of flesh and voice to not try to learn otherwise. Yet I never really understood this concept until I adopted Aimee.

Aimee was a dachshund I adopted from a rescue that rebirthed my soul. She was from a hoarder situation that sold puppies. Sadly, she passed away shortly after being free from that situation but in the time I spent with her, I learned a lifetime of clarity and light. Despite coming from an abusive situation she was so loving and adventurous. Everyday was the first day of her life to give kisses, eat new foods, jump for joy and explore new smells. She was never mean nor bitter. Her simple nature was nothing but love and excitement. She did not continue the darkness that was her past but embraced her new freedom. She didn't let it seep in a brand new day. Unlike me, whom hatred was a mask and a blank lifestyle, to be alive but it not living.  Hatred was nothing but a form of suicide and murder, preventing an opportunity for circumstances to get better as well as seeing the beauty of a new day. Today, I still find myself often falling into darkness but think of Aimee and remember the light and beauty in each day. Aimee, my dog saved me from my greatest fear, hatred consuming me. I'll never forget her and never stop loving her even in death. Aimee taught me despite the darkness that weighs a heavy burden, it is by living you have life.

RIP Aimee