let's talk about mom

My mother's mental illness is an open secret. You know, that kind of secret which everyone around knows but no one talks about. On a good day she will sit by herself screaming, cursing, crying or laughing to the television or the wall. On a bad day she is throwing knives and breaking dishes at you then trying to break the door down. The sanity she once had in her youth was filled with hatred and rage over broken dreams and poor choices, only to now have that raw emotion amplified ten fold. When she has a violent episode, she has no control over her actions. It is just pure rage to break, insult, hurt, shatter and destroy everything around her. Her triggers could be voices in her head or even just a crooked frame on the wall. If you were on the outside looking in then you would probably think my sisters and I are the monsters then pity her. However, the real monster here is that no one-not her sisters, her friends, my father or my sisters want to accept the truth. The truth is that my mother is not alright and will never be alright.

It's one thing to turn the other cheek to her behavior but to bluntly deny that my mother is anything but okay does no one any favors. The woman has violently beaten, whipped and slashed me for reasons such as the weather was too cold. When and yes I say when the day comes that she kills one of us in a violent episode will only be our fault for seeing signs and not doing anything at all. The first step is just acknowledging that she isn't alright and the rest will come after. But nothing is being done except letting time pass by while her brain and mind diminishes even more. I fear a world where the only ones who do anything are the ones who can not control their raw insanity while the remainder is running in circles hushing each other. I don't know how much longer I will be able to survive being in this circle. We need to talk about mom.

New Years Resolutions

Every year I try to set realistic goals to better myself either mentally or physically. Last year my resolutions for 2012 was to transition into all cruelty-free products such as cleaning supplies, bath, skin and cosmetics and quit red meat. I am happy to say that this has not only been accomplished but I have met a great group of people who share and support the belief that testing vanity on animals is not necessary. Not only that, my second resolution of quitting red meat has been successful! It took some time because of protein issues but around March I was completely off red meat. I don't miss eating cows, lambs or pork, because I don't desire it. I've actually begun to eat more overall, because I've always had a bit of a unconscious disgust with eat meat since I've had to eat out of trash cans and hunt as a small child. This goal has come with much opinion from strangers on Google+. It is my own personal belief to not eat anything I haven't hunted out of necessity nor eat anything raised to die. I firmly believe that animals especially mammals are capable of emotions. I honestly feel much healthier physically because red meat is often cooked in grease and has much fat as well. Choosing to not eat red meat is my own personal decision which I do not push on others. On the other hand, I still believe and push to end testing on animals because animals are alive as they are being poked in the eyes, injected or forced to ingest vanity products. This is torture and that is not okay to make another life suffer slowly.

Moving on, I've decided on trying to accomplish a few more goals!

1. Money: I want to save more money in order to buy a car. I shared a few vehicles with a former significant other, but as I grow older and independent I want to have one of my own in only my name.  In order to save more money I plan on eating out less and buy less junk food. These are two things I can seriously cut back on as well as accomplish, because I can cook for myself and junk food is not good for me.

2. Stress: I plan on releasing stress by doing 30 mins of yoga twice a week. It's basically stretching and attempting to clear the mind. In order to do this, I will set a dedicated time for this at the same time every week.

3. Understand: Since I've gained some attention through the internet, I've encountered some very not nice people. I wish to be more patient with everyone and try harder to understand what point they are coming from. However, this also means I will choose my battles more wisely and not acknowledge nor pursue unreasonable people who want me to feel bad.


Well it's not much but that's the plan so far!


Have a great New Years everyone! xoxo

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

my hamsters

Big or small, love and be loved. 

 

I voted

Today I helped determine the future.

Today I did something that many people have died for.

Today I voted.

happy endings

I saw this on a friend's pinterest and thought it was brilliant.

I'm not a woman that needs a man to validate me. I've got a good thing going on right now in terms of friends, health and outside activities. It just sucks, you know? Sometimes you just have to take a step back and say "hey this sucks." It sucks that another person doesn't want me anymore because he feels he can't trust me. And it's not like I completely trusted him neither. Relationships can't flourish without trust. Yet as always, there is beauty in moving on and moving forward.

the devil is in the details

The moment he walked into the room, I was drawn to his charisma. It wasn't long soon after we were staying up all night in the summer heat blowing smoke into each other's mouths. I was covered in scars and he had ink. I liked to watch him work his hands, calloused hands, a worker's hands. He liked driving fast for hours to ease our minds, ease our loneliness. We took risks, calmed our fears, skipped heartbeats and got into trouble. Home was where ever we made it. Our love was like an inside joke. We had nothing and wanted everything.

Today, I regret nothing. There's no doubt in my mind that at one point we loved each other's company raw and honest, but relationships need room to grow. I moved on to other things, while he went down the path he did. The truth is there's no fairy tale ending for sinners, just one long race. He got ahead while I lagged behind.




Born to Die

New pinterest page!

Hey everyone!

I created a pinterest page! Thank you to the help of a couple friends I learned how to do it. Many people ask what products I use daily or in my life, thus I pinned pics online to show you them. I couldn't find everything yet but I'm working on it.


My Pinterest Page

Much Love,
Sara