"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."

Henry David Thoreau

Some Facts About Me :)

Hey guys, I've decided to do a post on some facts about me. If you follow my twitter or read my posts it can  give you a sense of who I am and what I like but here is some more.

1. Although on my twitter I like to talk about various makeup and cosmetic products I like but that is actually just a hobby for me. The cosmetic and fashion world is an outlet for me to escape from the trials of my daily life. I like makeup because it has no absolute concept of beauty and I feel beautiful as well as confident. My daily life is actually more focused toward others. I'm a medic that specializes in toxicology (drugs, mainly illicit). I'm not working under contract with anyone at the moment because this semester I am back in school learning College Algebra, Introductory Chemistry and Abnormal Psychology. I do however, still come to the aid of friends and family whom call me on my phone. Also I volunteer as a medic within the city, mainly for LGBT events. Another thing I do is help domestic violence victims get free plastic surgery and tattoo removal through the help of charities. No one wants to be reminded everyday with scars of how another person hurt them. It helps them move on with their lives. Lastly, because of my involvement with the adult industry in the past, I currently help those in the industry transition into what I call "civilian life." This could be getting them rehab, getting away from certain people and being a mentor for tough times.

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3. I am the guardian of a young girl whom I don't talk about much online because there's not much to say and I respect her privacy. She is the daughter of a makeup artist friend of mine.

4. I am trained in hand to hand combat with a mixture of capoeria and kickboxing. I also ranked 3rd in San Francisco for fencing when I was 16 years old. I still like to work out and train  regularly. The reason why I've had to learn much is because as a femme fatale I would sometimes get into trouble gathering info and pics. I've had quite few fights in my life. And since I am small, my focus was on pressure points and precision.  I also used to competitively fight for some extra cash because I was a broke ass.

5. Although I'm not studying to be a lawyer, I know one or two things about the law. When I was 17 years old, I was accused of attempted murder erroneously. In lockup, I read several law books to know my rights. I found it fascinating and continue reading law book after law book today. I'm fascinated by loopholes and how to combat a situation without having to punch someone in the head. I'm on like a shitlist for SFUSD because I read all their books as well as student rights, bullying etc. I've come to the aid of many victims of bullying as their adult legal representative which also includes false accusations. Many of those children are children of immigrants who have contacted me. Overall, I'm a spitfire who doesn't stand for injustice.

6. I really like animals!

7. I don't eat land animals but I do eat fish. I think that animals have souls and dreams. Not only that, it doesn't seem right to eat something with a soul that was raised to just die.

8. I was raised Buddhist then Christian but now I'm Buddhist again. My mom was Buddhist when she came over from Thailand and for about the first 4 years of my life then my dad made us go to Christian church because he was a christian. Also Christian church had babysitting which played a big factor. The fact that Christians believed in hell and demons played a big role in my mom's mental illness and treatment of us. We stopped going to church when I was 10 years old. I was able to babysit my sisters by then. I continued being Buddhist after because it seems to suit my life more in terms of view points and how to treat others. I don't believe in Heaven nor Hell. I don't believe in Karma. I believe that religion is just a guideline of how you should live your life in pursuit of happiness now and how to die with a peaceful mind. I believe everyone can believe in whatever they want as long as their behavior doesn't disrupt or hurt innocent people.

9.  I have a learning disability so my words and letters are mumble jumbled. I suffer from jamais vu after my hospitalization a couple years ago from brain damage. Therefore, I have to work twice as hard to read and retain information. I also sometimes forget where I am going so I write down where I am going and how to get there just in case.

10. I have a super sense of smell. I can identify a perfume or cologne from the other side of the room. I guess being a former supervisor at Macy's left me a strange skill. I can also smell fart. Yeah that's nasty.

11. I'm not really an emotional person. I somehow in my brain separate emotion from logic. So I don't get emotionally heated or emotionally based when fighting or arguing. I used to be so bad at expressing emotion that when I was being rehabbed I had to use a chart to literally learn what each emotion was and how to express it.

12. Although I somewhat live a dark life, I manage to be a generally content or happy person. I surround myself with positive people so that helps too.

Do you have questions for me? I would love to answer them. Nothing perverted please.

Beyonce  ~I was here

A stalker that wanted to bathe in my blood

"Oh Sara, you should be grateful that men want you." is something I hear from naive people who have never filed numerous police reports against an obsessed person. According to the U.S. Department of Justice Office for Victims of Crime, stalking refers to repeated harassing or threatening behavior by an individual, such as following a person, appearing at a person's home or place of business, making harassing phone calls, leaving written messages or objects, or vandalizing a person's property. I've been stalked from an ex's girlfriend, a classmate, former boyfriends to fan boys. These people were not just obsessed about me but were seeking a form of control. 

I'm going to use a fake name for this person because even saying his name made me shudder. 

I met "Bob" during a class when I was 18 years out attending college for the first time. It was near the end of the semester so the teacher asked us to get into groups to study for the final. I exchanged my number with three other people, two females and one male, that male was "Bob". I didn't much of it at the time, because I've never a classmate harrass me before. All four of us got together to study in the library and I thought nothing of it. Soon after that semester ended, "Bob" called me to come to a party. I went over on a Friday night, there was a mild amount of people in the apartment. There was nothing unusual. I never talked to "Bob" outside of class before, but he didn't seem too odd from study group. He was clean shaven, tall, somewhat handsome, nicely dressed and polite, former sailor and a current photography major. However, after that night I learned something was a little strange about him. He had about a dozen tattoos of women, one of those women were me. A tattoo of my face on someone who I met a little less than a month before was a red flag. Little did I know at the time was that he got that tattoo before I even met him. My reaction was "is that real?" I tried to wipe it off with my fingers but it wouldn't budge. I honestly, was a bit flattered but more creeped out. I was used to compliments from strangers for my head shots for makeup but I've never met anyone who put my regular face on his arm. I asked him why he would do that. He said I reminded him of his friend's "ex-wife" that he was in love with but was murdered. I never knew from that point on the next year and a half of my life was going to be hell.

I rejected "Bob"'s invitations to any other events for the next three months, because I wasn't comfortable with the fact my face was on his arm. The only communication I had with him other than that was just saying "I'm okay and yourself?" to whenever he would say "How are you?" Then the fall semester started up again. I wasn't attending college that semester because I was preoccupied with other stuff, however whenever I visited I would always somehow run into "Bob." I would again, just say "Hello, how are you?" then slowly over time I would see him at other places such as downtown, the grocery store, on public transportation and then eventually even walking around my neighborhood. It became from seeing him or bumping into him twice a month to twice a week, to seeing him outside my window at night taking pictures. This was frightening because we lived in different cities and I didn't even give him my home address. I called him up angry once I saw him outside with a camera and asked "WHAT THE F ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU STALKING ME?" He replied that I'm pretty and that he liked the way I photographed. I asked him to stop. Of course it only got worse. 

"Bob" called me numerous times at night, sometimes outside my house to tell me drunk confessions. He talked about how his friends kidnapped Mexicans and Native Americans then murdered them in his home state of Montana. Eventually he confessed that the girl I reminded him of, his friend's dead exwife who was murdered and he was in love with was one of the people his friends murdered. He told me about how his friends mutilated the body by first cutting her hair, cut holes in her body to rape and eventually slit her throat. My heart froze. He kept going on "You remind me of her, down to the way she smelled." The next day I went to the police station and told them about the phone calls as well as seeing him take pics of me and show up where I was. I told him that I thought he was obsessed with me. One of the officiers literally laughed at me and said that was a big claim. Another one told me that I'm wasting their time if I don't have any actually evidence. I didn't record the phone calls and it's not illegal to be on the sidewalk. "Bob" only seemed to get worse after that.

"Bob" wouldn't leave a voice mail if he called so I couldn't get any evidence and writing down that he was around me at the same time doesn't seem to count as evidence at all. His showing up where I was and taking pics was tormenting me. I didn't even want to leave the house and whoever I told about his tattoo seem to think it was hilarious. Then one night he got super drunk and left me hundreds of text messages. The messages talked about him wanting to sniff my hair, smell my breath to crazy stuff like "gouge" out my eyeballs and skull f*ck me. It literally went on all night of weird bizarre acts such as draining my blood to bathe in it and carving holes in my corpse. I was so scared that the next day I didn't even leave my room. It took me two more days to even get the courage to leave my house and go back to the police station, the same police station that laughed at me before. However, this time they weren't laughing.The process to get an order against him was rather quick. The evidence was presented through my phone.

Two months later I did the mistake of answering an "UNKNOWN" number. It was "Bob." He was extremely drunk. He yelled into the phone "I am going to get you half bred gook, just like I did to the others!" I hung up on him. I haven't seen him following me around since the order, but I was terrified once it expired. The reason I couldn't get a permanent one was because he didn't cause me any physical damage. I say, if anyone makes a threat to another person with good evidence that they are stalking then that person should be permanently not be allowing them!


Ever since there I have been somewhat different, but not too much. For one thing, I'm paranoid about meeting new people. I don't give out my number to males unless they are a mutual friend or I've known them for at least a month. I don't even answer unknown phone calls unless I'm expecting one from the hospital. Even then, I tell them they have to leave a voice mail with a contact number because of my experience. The biggest irritant I gained from the experience was I get heated by strangers taking pics of me. I know that sounds strange, but I live in a tourist city. People take random pics all the time, however I did slap a couple of men who took pics from about 2 feet from my face and tried to kick a guy who took an up skirt pic of me. Not only that, I'm more aware of my surroundings. Because my vision is so poor, I've focused more on my hearing and lights. I laugh about the fact he added me to his tattoo collection now, but honestly he probably would have hurt me and it definitely wasn't funny to me back then.

I'm not flattered. I'm not honored by this experience. The police system is very much flawed. I wasn't even taken seriously the first time I tried to report this. Any type of death threat or a person standing outside a house taking pics should be allowed a permanent restraining order. It shouldn't be because of rape, romantic past, or physical battery. That's just stupid. Also don't you think that anyone with a restraining order should at least have their mental health evaluated? Do you think the other women on his arms could have been injured? There needs to be a change in the system for both getting an order as well evaluating mental health for unprovoked death threats.

"Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul."-Thomas Merton

”I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” - Thomas Edison

What Happened to You?

Every night before I close my eyes, after I turn off the light my mind walks through shadows in a field of memories on the brink of falling off a no man's land balance beam. It tells me...

"I want to feel whole.

I want to feel here.

I want to feel warm. "

Onto one side of the balance beam is numbness and apathy, and the other side is rage and hatred. Both sides are shrouded in loneliness and power yet a lack of control but I continue to walk this fine line every night. I have no textbook answer nor miracle pill to make sense of anything. I just know that I feel anger and the ripples of confusion.

The hatred, rage, numbness and apathy is a false blanket of control. The control is always fleeting. It will never bring the warmth and tranquility of being whole nor here. It only covers what lies underneath the inner cogs of the mind where raw truth lies. The more time goes by a new layer of blanket is weaved. These emotions are like snow falling, it is so cold building up. 

I want to believe that there is hope for me. I want to believe I will not be lost under the blanket. I'm so scared of letting these heavy emotions consume me. 

The abuser was most likely once abused too. I can not change the past but I can accept that my anger will always have potential. It can hurt others or perhaps it unwind the cogs and layers. To continue the heavy emotions of rage, numbness and apathy is not a cog of fate. I wish for my no man's land to be more than a thin line on a balance beam. I want to feel that my anger has potential for more than inflicting pain and self destruction. I want the ripples in my actions to not be like thorns on others. At the end of the day it is and will always be an uphill battle against no one but myself. 

The destruction and the cycle of abuse will end with me.

Maintaining my Metabolism

I have a tendency to binge eat or eat very little when I struggle with stress or heavy feelings but in order to keep a stable weight, I must keep a stable metabolism. Metabolism is good for maintaining weight and energy. I must warn you that this is from my experience and thus my opinion, I am not a doctor and don't eat anything you are allergic to, but here are ways I keep my metabolism stable. I am also gonna warn you that when you first try adding these to your diet, you may poop a bit more at first because your body is literally flushing out stored bad fat & clearing up constipation.

Don't forget that you can not simply quit eating in order to lose weight. That's not healthy because you are depriving your cells, organs and brain from nutrition it needs to function. Your cells need nutrients to flush out bad fat as well as keep you alive. You must have a balance of intake and out take in order to be healthy.

Here are some ways I maintain my metabolism

1. Green Tea

Green Tea has antioxidant properties. I've probably been drinking this as a little kid because of the southeast Asian side of my family so I've developed a taste of it. It's very dry and earthy, however it will help prevent belly fat. You have to drink the unprocessed (no added chemicals) and one without sugar for it to actually be beneficial. I drink at least 4 cups a day so not only am I receiving the antioxidant benefits but I am also saying hydrated.

2. Bee Pollen

Bee pollen is good for regeneration and health of cells especially for your immune system. If your cells are healthy then your body gets rid of toxins easier. I don't think it's an antioxidant, I just think that it helps the body absorb the proper nutrients more instead of toxins. It also makes my skin really soft and helps my allergies. It cost 50 cents to $1 an ounce at the Farmer's market. I recommend mixing it in cereal or oatmeal or drink it in something cold because if you bite down on it then it taste kinda bitter and wasabi hot on the tongue. I recommend only half a teaspoon a day or you may poop alot then hate yourself.

3. ProBiotics

I take probiotics in the form of pills to help me with digestion of dairy products. However, there are also other benefits of probiotics. Probiotics basically help you from becoming constipated and bloated, because it helps the digestion of food. If you want to have a "regular" digestive system or a boost in digestion then either eat yogurt or take probiotic pills.






4. Walk

Walk at least a mile a day. I walk at least two miles a day because of school or the grocery store or just the sake of exercise. Walking is good for circulation of blood as well as keeping your lower belly fat. 

Okay, so those are the four things I do everyday to help me maintain my weight and metabolism. You don't have to listen to me, because this is my personal opinion. I also suggest that you have these everyday or at least every other day. Nothing happens overnight, and as always please talk to a doctor if you are considering major changes in your lifestyle habits or diet.

Take Care! xo

My 4th of July

Hello! Happy Independence Day!

I went out to the San Rafael County Fair for a family outing. It was nice and warm. It was okay because I got to hang out with my sister and parents but there was way too many people. We did get a nice area to watch the fireworks. They were magnificent! There is nothing like celebrating America's birthday with booze and explosions. Teehee!

baby piggy

scary wolf costume

my sister and a dragon

creepy chicken thing and my sister

a very bless me ultima kind of art

my dad petting the cork cow

yay! a giant hamster

wine

omgosh! I love these flowers

Epic orgamie

star wars

These are some of the Fireworks!